No Name Club
by PaxRomaDacia
Summary: Welcome to the club with no name. a place where heroes, villains and other questionable undesirables go to unwind and get into some rather... hectic situations. Booze, babes and poor choices await those who enter the club, better bring your I.D... or not, better if you don't really.
1. Chapter 1

Authors note: Welcome to the most insane idea I have yet, one that I would like to thank a certain fanfic author for helping me out with, because there is no way I could do most of this without his help. Before you read the story, just know that this may not make much sense, it will be quite the interesting story, but that's fine since this is about having fun from all my serious stories I've been making.

Not much else to say except sit back and read the show.

 **Prologue: It's Always Sunny in the Club with No Name**

 **O-O-O**

The universe can be a cruel place to live in.

Life sucks, that's a fact everyone can understand. Whether people's hobbies are solving mysteries, fighting supervillains or conquering worlds across the stars, there's always those several accidents and misfortunes anyone can suffer. The natural reaction for anyone who suffers from life is to unwind at bars or go out with friends to club, mostly to get drunk and make regrettable life choices that stay inside the bar... hopefully.

But while there are many places to go, there's only one place in the entire universe where heroes, villains and those in between can go; the No Name Club.

What is the No Name Club you may ask? A club with no name sounds like a quirky title, but one that's capable of attracting the best and the worst the universe has to offer. The only neutral ground where morally sound and morally bankrupt people can hang out to drink, party, and get away with questionable acts that stay in the club; a golden rule of the establishment by the founder.

Heroes committing sin? Villains opening up? Only the No Name Club provides such tales.

Today was a relatively slow night. Not many of the usual bar patrons were around, but the tips provided were enough to keep the staff well paid and prevent the formation of a union; something that made the founder of this club shutter in fear. By one of the bar tables looking from across the poker tables in the center, about six patrons sat around and were chatting with one another.

The common view of average people would see a group of teenagers loitering in a place where they weren't supposed to be, but oddly enough they were customers. Stanley had rules in place for minors, but his greed allowed him to make exceptions and minors was one of them as long as the club was secret.

"So Dipper." Said a teen with curly red hair. "Your uncle is awesome for letting us chill out here. Dimension hopping is such a pain, ya know?"

"I know right?" Commented a Latino teen with a red hoodie. "Star and I love going on adventures, but a place like this is what we needed."

The blonde girl known as Star gave a playful shove next to her red hoodie companion. "Oh come on, Marco! You know you love it."

Marco wrapped his arm around Star's shoulders, who giggled at the act. "Not as much as I love you."

Marco and Star had their moment interrupted by an annoyed groan.

"Dude, that's really sappy." A red head lumberjack girl commented. "I mean, I like sappy sometimes but, right here?"

"I have to agree with Wendy. Don't take what goes on out there to in here, if you know what I mean. "The teen from earlier called Dipper spoke up. "By the way, Penn. It's Grunkle."

"Do you actually know what you mean?" Interrupted a pig tailed girl next to Penn, who then looked at Star and Marco. "Because I do, and I'm pretty sure everyone else does at this table."

"Like what, Sashi?" Asked the curly haired boy. "Do you mean… What do you mean?"

Sashi rolled her eyes at the boy. "Penn, you know what it is. You're just messing with me."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Penn shrugged his shoulders, giving Sashi a glance and saw an annoyed glare at his direction.

Marco cleared his throat, poorly hiding his nervous reaction. "What are you talking about?"

"You fucked in the restroom." Wendy blurted out.

Everyone else at the table groaned in disgust at the sudden topic, excluding Star and Marco who simply flushed their cheeks red.

"So that's what that white stuff was." Penn thought out loud.

"Dude, that's fucking gross." Dipper remarked to Penn, then turning to see Marco's red face. "Like seriously man? Out of all places?"

"We were horny!" Marco defended. "Teenagers do things! And we prefer those things to be kept secret!"

"Do you know how it's like to be a Mewman?" Star aided in Marco's poor argument. "We had to 'release tension'. Humans do that all the time."

"Yeah, but in a public restroom? There's all kinds of germs and STDs and like, everything is just gross." Dipper stated as a matter of factly.

"It's also very inconsiderate." Penn added, making Marco snort in disbelief.

"Inconsi- How is that inconsiderate?"

"What if someone has to go pee or take a dump REALLY badly, and that poor bastard has to listen to you two doing something that's not number one or two?"

"Did you at least flush?" Asked Dipper, now more annoyed. "Because I don't want to see your business on the floor again. Grunkle Stan made me clean the restroom last week and now I'm wondering; who's the only couple sex crazed enough to do that?"

"So what? Nothing wrong with having a little fun." Star wiggled her eyebrows at Marco, rubbing his hand lightly with her thumb.

Dipper however, noticed the sensual move and had enough of this conversation.

"No! No, no, no, no. You two are now banned from the restrooms!" Dipper exclaimed to the couple, much to their frustration.

"Aw come on, dude!" Marco argued. "Why do you have to be such a downer?"

"I don't want to clean strange sticky fluids with a mop every time I walk inside there." Dipper argued back, shuddering at the memory. "You two are out of control!"

"Weeeeeell, we can get a little wild. Maybe a little weird." Star somewhat agreed. "But that's still not fair!"

Dipper went on to argue with Marco about the moralities of having sex in the restroom, Star simply butted in the conversation to support Marco and only made things dirtier, and all Penn could do was let the heated exchange play out. Wendy simply smiled at what was going on, trying to contain her snickers.

"You wanted them to argue, didn't you?" Sashi asked the red head.

"Yup." Wendy answered truthfully. "Boys argue about stupid things all the time, so why not have fun with it?"

Sashi shook her head and hid the smirk from Wendy's gaze, not wanting her serious nature to be compromised so soon.

When the arguing died down, Dipper sighed in frustration, leaning his small frame back on his chair.

"I am so glad we're the only ones here."

"I HEARD EVERYTHING!"

An annoying voice rang out to the shock of Dipper, one too familiar for the group to hear on a daily basis and a voice they hoped that would not come any closer.

"Guys?" Dipper said in a hushed tone, hoping that same annoying voice wouldn't hear him. "Let's try not to get you know who involved."

The group had one consensus at least; not to let that certain someone involved in their business.

"Well then, if you can excuse us. We have uh, royal business to attend to." Star stood up, grabbing Marco's hand, winking at Marco in the least subtle way possible. "Am I doing it right?"

Marco sighed happily and gave a kiss to his girlfriend's cheek. "You're so cute, you know that?"

The couple walked away to the place they shouldn't be going to, much to the dismay of Dipper who stood up from his chair, the others amused by the sight.

"What? Where are you- You better not! We just talked about this!"

Dippers cries for compliance were pointless, for the couple already entered the men's restroom and closed the door behind them, intentionally ignoring the short teen. He sat back down on his seat, crossing his arms in a fit.

"Assholes!" Dipper muttered loudly to himself. "Why do I even bother?"

"Because you're a huge dork." Wendy replied, ruffling up the already messy hair Dipper had.

It didn't take long for the topic to change to something else of interest, but it quickly grew boring after the 'Starco' debacle as Dipper's twin sister Mabel would say. Considering that she was the one that helped set them up, Dipper reminded himself to thank and loath Mabel and himself for helping in the first place.

"So what do we do now?" Penn broke the silence first, a usual thing he would do. "Should we talk more about the sex-ventures of Star and Marco?"

"Let's get some more drinks first." Sashi suggested, who rose her hand before quickly putting it down as if she was about to make a huge mistake. "Ya know what? I'll get the drinks, so you three wait here."

It didn't take long for Wendy to be the first to lean forward and grab everyone's attention, a devious grin plastered across her face when Sashi came back with drinks.

"I have an idea, but we're going to need a lot of drinks."

 **O-O-O**

It took a few extra drinks from behind the bar, some they ordered and others they snuck out with, but after going through enough beer and damaging their sensitive livers the group of friends managed to get wasted awfully quick; excluding Star and Marco who still didn't come out of the restroom.

The booze coursing through the now plastered teens brains was more than enough to forget about their other friends, who were all drunk enough to go along with Wendy's plan. The girl had kept herself sober enough to organize this, and there was nothing that would stop her now. Taking over the music tracks as well, the teens managed to draw in a crowd of other teens going out for the night, they claimed the bar for the night and began the strange ritual of drunken shenanigans.

Thankfully for the teens, the founder of the club was lenient with such events, the money more than enough to turn a blind eye.

"Go dude! You can do it!" Cheered a wasted Penn, holding onto Sashi for balance.

Dipper was standing on top of the counter, raising his arms in the air.

"I LOVE BOOZE!" Shouted a now drunken Dipper, looking down at the lanky, partially topless Wendy lying down on the counter. "CHANT WITH ME!"

The crown of teens chanted Dipper's name, encouraging dares and blasting party music intoxicating the short round to comply with a party trick that would seem senseless to do. He stared down at the red head's navel, a line of whipped cream lined up perfectly across her skin and a lime slice in her mouth. Even Wendy was chanting for the boy to do it, it was _her_ idea after all.

"Come on dude! Be a man!" She muffled out.

"DESTRUCTOR!" Dipper madly shouted before diving in, using his tongue to lick the whipped cream off in one clean stroke.

Wendy couldn't help but shutter out of pleasure, more than satisfied with the results. For his first time at body shots, Dipper was quite experienced with such an action. That always made Wendy like Dipper so much, she would always be surprised by what Dipper could truly hide underneath his nerdy self; this club and booze were pretty much the only things that could let anyone loose.

The next part was easy, taking the shot of booze that was enough for a teen his age could handle, gulping it down in one sitting that only made the crowd cheer louder. But then came the part he dreaded, the lime out of Wendy's mouth. This was his chance finally, the one he had been waiting for to impress Wendy and have that one crazy moment to move things forward with her.

Dipper and Wendy had been going steady for a while, nothing too crazy up until this point. He looked into the red head's eyes, they seemed to be pleading Dipper to just finish the job and prove that he can be more than some awkward nerd. Taking no regrets with him, Dipper lunged his head forward and took the lime in his mouth, using so much force that his lips ended up in contact with Wendy's.

The crowd went silent in oohs and aahs, even Penn and Sashi were taken back by what had happened. Despite the silence of the crowd, it didn't stop Dipper from breaking away and swallowing the lime whole, much to Wendy's surprise.

"Holy. Shit." Wendy said before pulling Dipper into a hug. "YOU ARE THE BEST DORK I'VE EVER KNOWN!"

Before Dipper could blush from his head being in between Wendy's chest, she pulled him away to stare deep into him before making the move to kiss him passionately. It felt lie lighting and thunder had struck the boy when Wendy did that, and he quickly enveloped himself in the kiss and went into a full on make out session with the lumberjack of his dreams. The crowd cheered louder than ever, chanting the nickname destructor and all shared a drink in honor of the two teens making out.

After all the ruckus outside, Star and Marco finally came out of the restroom, the blonde princess helping Marco zip up his hoodie and was greeted by a pleasant sight of body shots and party goers.

"Well look at that." Marco marveled at the scene before him. "Took him long enough to have fun."

Star simply smiled at the sight, her arm around Marco's out of romantic instinct.

"Want to go home now?" She asked cutely to her boyfriend. "I think they have their own mess to clean up soon."

"Yeah, we should go." Marco agreed. "I did promise you our movie night."

"Godzilla?"

Marco nodded in agreement.

"Godzilla."

The teen couple left the bar completely, going up the small furnished staircase up to the second floor and walked to the entrance. They opened the wooden doors, leaving the No Name Club to visit another day in another time, with Star getting out her dimensional scissors to tear open a portal to Marco's house.

No matter where you may be, everyone goes to the No Name Club.

 **O-O-O**

P.S. - So since you can see where this is going, this series of one shots is more than willing to accept suggestions from others from adding characters to chapter ideas. Just PM me for your ideas, and I will see to it that you will get credit and your name mentioned before the next one shot starts.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters or the properties of the shows they come from. They belong to their respectful owners.


	2. Chapter 2

Authors note: So now we begin the series for reals. As we go through the stories, each one shot will have different perspectives of characters we all know and love, so every story will be different. Sometimes there will be two parts depending on the story, but I hope to keep them strictly one shots. Other than that, enjoy this one shot I'm sure you'll love.

 **Chapter 1: Fordtastic Rickunion**

 **O-O-O**

In an office desk, wooden floors and fancy furnishings remind occupants of a Northwestern town, as if you could smell pinecones in the air and not the cheap pinecone scented air fresheners. A fan whirs on a wooden desk, papers filed with red stamps reading 'TAX FRAUD' are crossed out with sharpie marks, along with various office supplies scattered across the desk in rushed fashion.

A golden plated name bar lie in full view for anyone who sits at the front pair of wooden chairs in front, a name that reads the name of the office's owner, "STANLEY PINES".

Standing by a large glass window overlooking a large bar area below, an old man in his sixties stands proudly by the glass; glad to see his latest creation come into full fruition. Stanley Pines himself, a well-built man despite his age, adjusts his fancy white suit clean as a whistle, the red ascot loosened up for more flexibility and has traded his old fez and eyepatch for an old captain's pipe and 20/20 vision.

"Here you are, Stanley." The old man said out loud. "The greatest money making scheme yet, and for once it's legit; as legit as Swiss bank accounts can be."

Grabbing his classic eight ball cane, he walks out his front doors to greet the new bar patrons, expecting to have the strangest but well-paying oddballs ever known to enter his establishment. After all the hard work of his grand niece and nephew setting up advertisements, there should be enough patrons today for another successful night; tips included.

"With a place like this, what could possibly go wrong?"

 **O-O-O**

"Nothing can go wrong!" Shouted an overenthusiastic voice.

The sound came from one of the 'famous' or really infamous staff members to work in this oddity of a club. A CL4P-TP unit rolled along with its single wheel, a small robot with a box like shape that was programmed to be a work robot, but suffered from horrible personality flaws. This particular Claptrap happened to be the last of his kind, one that was now hired out of desperation to wait the tables for their drinks and other necessities.

"What are you talking about?" Asked the patron he was serving, a sixty something old man with a near identical appearance to Stanley, wearing an old duster coat underneath a red sweater.

"Oh, just thinking out loud." Admitted Claptrap. "I do that all the time, every time, everywhere I go… You have a strange nose."

The old man rubbed his orange nose awkwardly. "Uh yeah, thanks."

"Appreciation is guaranteed! Just please, please, please! Don't hit my eye like the last person, I just got it repaired last week." Claptrap fascinatingly kept up his enthusiastic tone, which was starting to get on the old man's nerves. "I do accept tips."

"Tips?"

"I'm glad you asked!" Claptrap interjected quickly.

"I didn't-

"Why fellow patron, I'm just a little robot hoping for a great day with only drunken outbursts and minor liver failure." Claptrap chattered on, not letting the old man speak. "I think we should do a little redecorating here. Spruce the place up to have more guests come here to see our fine establishment and all of the hard working employees, mostly me, so we can appreciate our customers. Tips always help motivate me to work harder, so spare a poor bot some change?"

"Well that sounds like a good idea… if it wasn't so gay!" Commented a stranger bar patron, a literal giant talking milkshake. "I mean really! That's just gay."

Claptrap would have spoken out against such a vile food product, but his programming prevented him from giving the milkshake the verbal beat down he deserved; the kind that the animate food product tended to deal out onto others.

"The shake has a point." Agreed a fellow machine of claptrap, though one with a more humanoid form that puffed a cigar. "I used to bend steel beams in my last job, and those beams were straighter than this guy."

"Ha. Ha." Claptrap laughed sarcastically, straining his programing to allow sarcasm. "You gentleman just don't understand the struggles of a minimum wage waiter slash busbot."

"Give me my drinks, waiter!" Shouted the shake, making Claptrap quickly serve the glasses of beer to the three patrons by one of the many poker tables in the center of the bar area.

"Tips are always a courtesy." Claptrap happily announced, holding out his stubby metal hands for tips.

The old man cleared his throat and tossed a quarter to the robot. "That's all I didn't bet on this pot."

"Eh, because you're not a meat bag." The humanoid robot opened the hatch on his chest cavity, a locker of sorts that he managed to find two pennies to give to the bot.

When Claptrap held his hand to the shake however, he received more than a tip.

"Courtesy? Bite my shiny, paper ass!" The food product shouted. "You gay little tampon box!"

"Your welcome!" Claptrap enthusiastically answered before wheeling away, trying hard not to come up with a witty retort.

"Hey! That's my catchphrase bozo." The cigar smoking robot said, puffing smoke in the air.

"No it isn't. I don't see your name on those words, so I can edit them whenever I want to!" The shake proclaimed loudly. "Trademarking grammar is for cowards!"

"Bite my shiny, metal ass." The robot puffed another smoke ring before downing the beer in one hand.

The old Stan lookalike simply rolled his eyes at the scene. How and where he found these two was beyond his mind. What mattered now was that he had to wait for an old friend to arrive, and he was late as usual; strange since the person he invited wouldn't resist the allure of drinks and gambling.

For now, the old man listened to the casual jazz music playing in the bar area and the conversations of his two poker mates for the night; the cigar smoking robot Bender and the 'all mighty' Master Shake, or really just Shake for short.

"So… how many?" Bender asked Shake.

"How many fucks I give? Zero." Shake answered with mocking intellect. "None for you and only for me."

"How many ladies have you wooed?" Bender elaborated as he suggestively waved his robotic pupils. "I already know I got more than you."

"No one woos like me! In fact, my wooing techniques are so good that I trademarked them." Gloated the milkshake sipping his beer in is glove hands. "So legally, I can't disclose that information to the public; except me because I own them."

"I thought you said trademarking grammar was for cowards?" Ford asked out of boredom.

"Well, not when the rightful owner is doing it." The hypocritical food product answered back rudely.

"Yeah well, trademarking doesn't stop Bender Bending Rodriguez from luring all the ladies with my robot charms." Bender gloated, folding his arms behind his head. "No one can out bend the Bender, if you catch my magnetic drift."

"I'll have you know, my TRADEMARKED wooing has attracted multiple people of the female gender… Loads of them. Can't even keep track of all the ladies I've smooched."

"Name one broad you remember."

Shake paused and gave a blank stare until he sighed. "Well then, I guess we're done here. No sense talking to you if you keep intruding on my personal life."

"So you don't know a single girl? Not even one?" Bender laughed. "HAHAHAHA! I bet you never had anyone suck your dumb straw!"

Shake then sticks his middle finger at Bender, giving the robot a scowl.

"You are forbidden from talking about my sex life, you perverted tin man!"

Bender just chuckled as he chugged down his beer whole and burped a flame.

"Bite my shiny, metal ass."

"Oh, so you are gay?"

The insulting comment did not come from Shake surprisingly, but instead it was the friend Ford was waiting for. He was also an old man like Ford, though he was just twenty years his senior; how exactly he managed to stay in upright without a cane is unknown. But all that mattered to the lab coated man was to sit down and take a swig from his flask he kept in his coat, belching as he sat down next to his old friend.

"Wassup Ford?" The man said, leaning back his chair. "Last time I saw you, we were being chased by that thing with the penis head."

"Rick." Ford held out his hand. "Been a long time."

Rick shook his old friend's hand, belching as he did so.

"Oh yeah, I'm surprised you invited me to this dump." Rick commented on the club surroundings.

"This 'dump' is my brother's club. Remember Stanley?"

"He tried selling me a thermostat taped to a pipe and called it a plutonium detector." Rick let out a spare chuckle. "Co-couldn't even spell the label right with a sharpie. How does he afford a place like *burp* this?"

"Well… that's a long-

"HEY!"

Shake shouted to the two men, attempting to slam his hands on the table but were just out of reach.

"Are we going to play cards, or are we going to have to watch you two geezers catch up on wrinkle times daily? Because I want to win and show you losers how to lose… like losers!"

Rick rolled his eyes and took out the money he had in his coat, a stack of dollars that he tossed in the middle of the table.

"Thousand dollars; finest stack of cocaine and paper. Let's go, bitches!"

 **O-O-O**

It didn't take long for the old men to catch up on old times, gladly recalling how many close calls in their interdimensional adventures. Even in the middle of a heated poker game, the two quipped to each other like nothing had changed.

"And then I kicked Vader in the balls and ran!" Rick just finished his latest story. "That's how I know cyborgs do have testicles."

Ford pretty much laughed through the whole time, the story sounded serious at first, but Rick always knew how to spin a serious tale into something well, something Rick like as Ford would think.

"You're insane, you know that?" Ford commented.

"I don't anything about syphilis lords, but I give that eh… seven out of ten." Shake commented as he waved his hand around.

"Douche Vader probably needed a lot of aspirin after that." Bender agreed.

Ford cleared his throat, taking a sip of beer in the process.

"So what have you been up to lately, Rick?" Ford asked, placing his call on the table. "Besides kicking a Sith lord in the groin?"

"Oh nothing, just got my ass busted out of prison." Rick said taking a swig of his flask. "Morty somehow managed to organize a prison break."

Ford raised an eyebrow at Rick, who simply shrugged.

"Oh yeah, you haven't met him yet." Rick then shouted loudly behind him. "MORTY!"

The yellow shirted teen known as Morty quickly ran up to Rick, his voice sounding almost like a squeal.

"Wh-what is it, Rick? I was just, ya know, chatting it up with that robot." Morty pointed to Claptrap. "He's really annoying."

"Yeah, nobody cares. Meet my old sidekick Ford Pines, fellow genius."

Ford shook the boy's hand. "I uh, never agreed to the sidekick part."

"Woah! You sound just as annoying." Shake vehemently said. "Reminds me of a certain half-witted ball of meat."

"O-oh uh, I just-

"Yeah okay, anyways." Rick interrupted, turning Morty's head to the bar. "I'm go-gonna pull an all nighter today, so have fun at the bar, Morty."

"Wait! You're just gonna leave me!? Alone in a bar?"

"Well make some friends, have a beer, smoke some weed; I don't know relax! Just one thing."

Rick then points to a trio of girls talking, the girls being Wendy, Star, and Sashi.

"You see those girls over there Morty? Don't talk to them, don't even go near them, because those bitches can fight and they have boyfriends who can also wipe your candy ass across the floor. Waaaaay out of your league, Morty."

Morty exclaimed insulted "Hey!"

"Just callin em as I see 'em."

"W-well, you know what Rick? I'm going to talk them anyways! Because- because you can be a real jerk. You know? You don't uh, don't know everything about everyone." Morty feebly argued, though Rick didn't seem to care much.

"All I need to know is that, that even the little runt there who's hiding his boner under his hat stands a better chance than you." Rick said pointing over to the girl's respective boyfriends, mostly to Dipper. "So go ahead, *Belch* fuck off."

Morty ends up storming off, determined to talk to the girls and make some real friends, while Ford gives his old partner a questionable look.

"Is that how you treat your whole family?"

"If you only knew them, Ford." Rick repeated morbidly. "If you only knew them."

A stunning figure then walked into view of the patrons of the bar area from afar, one who was covered in mostly green armor, battered and scratched as signs from years of usage. The head of this person was hidden under a bucket shaped helmet, though the visor alone was intimidating enough of a gaze; hiding another underneath.

"Woah." Wendy said, noticing the armored figure from afar. "Who is that?"

Sashi and Star turned to see this figure, their eyes immediately locked onto the figure who walked towards the bar, brandishing some sort of rifle carbine by his side and cradled it like a small child.

"I don't know, but there's something about him that feels… amazing." Star commented.

Sashi said nothing, though deep down inside she probably hid the biggest crush she ever had. One look at her usual serious demeanor and you would see a more relaxed and intrigued face, one that would be more interested in talking rather than crunching skulls.

The armored figure walked up to the bar, speaking in an almost demanding voice that made the girls listen with intent and caught the bartender's attention.

"I'm looking for someone." He asked, the harsh voice swooning the girls.

The bartender in particular was a beautiful woman, sexy body and everything, though the voice was a different story.

"You're gonna have to be more specific, honey." A deep manly voice came out, most likely due to smoking.

The armored man had no time for this, he wanted one thing. "The scum goes by the name of Rick Sanchez."

The woman motioned her head at the poker table behind the man, who silently nodded back in thanks.

"Wanna order something first?" She asked, hoping for the man to stick around.

"No thanks." The man turned down, walking towards the poker table. "I won't be long."

As the man walked away, the three girls couldn't help themselves but talk about their new topic.

"Oh my god! Did you see that dude?" Wendy exclaimed. "That was so fucking cool!"

"And he's seems so mysterious." Star added. "Like he has some kind of dark secrets under that helmet. So sexy."

"And hot." Sashi simply said. "That's all I need to say."

The boys however, were not too happy with their girlfriends chatting about that new guy.

"Ugh! Unbelievable!" Marco exclaimed negatively. "That jerk can't just come in here and steal my Star."

"Cool… I can be cooler." Muttered Dipper, not looking at the armored man.

Penn however, was fainted by this new figure. "I want to be just like him."

All Marco could do was smack the boy on the back of his head, an audible 'ow' could be heard.

At the poker table however, things were going fine for Rick, who was just about to put down a full house and win the pot until he saw the armored man walk towards him, prompting Rick to stop what he was doing.

"Aw shit! Boba Fett? Not that bucket head bastard!" Rick said almost in a more annoyed tone than worried.

"Who?" Ford had no idea who this person was, but he had the look of a bounty hunter; not exactly the type of person an interdimensional traveler wanted on their tail.

"Just play it cool, Ford. I got this."

Rick acted his best at being cool, pretending not to notice Boba until he was right by the table, standing still and glaring at his direction. Rick looked above his cards, acting cool around the table much to Boba's dismay, not because he wanted to scare him but because of the lax nature Rick took towards him.

"Hehey! Wassup Boba?" Rick asked smoothly.

"So you're Rick Sanchez?" Boba asked harshly, not impressed with the old man. "I've heard many things about you; none of them good."

"Well, don't hate the player, hate the game son." Rick answered back, not at all worried about his life.

Boba then draws his blaster carbine at Rick, pointing it at the old man's head.

"I don't play games, I'm here for business."

"Pointing a gun at me already? What a di *Belch* dick move."

"Dead or alive?"

The dreamy sigh of Sashi could be heard from across the bar, though Wendy and Star were starting to have second thoughts about Boba as soon as he drew his gun.

"I'd prefer it if you killed me, but pretty I'm sure whatever moron hired you wants me alive." Rick took one more sip of alcohol.

"I have no problem killing you."

"Then what are you waiting for, the army?"

Boba tightened his grip on the blaster.

"I am the army."

"Oh look at the clone with daddy issues being all scary." Rick mocked the normally cool headed bounty hunter, who really lost his patience now. "Please! I've seen scarier things come out of my butthole then you."

It didn't take long for Boba to kick Rick across the chair, knocking him back to the ground and aimed to blast him. Ford immediately got up, picked up his own chair and threw it at the hunter, who easily broke it with a swift kick.

"Oh yeah! Bar fight!" Bender shouted. "I'm betting my winnings on bucket head!"

"MY winnings!" Shack empathized, then started to take all of the chips in the center and ran off.

Boba didn't take long to recuperate and launch his whip cord at Ford, tying up the old man and yanked the cord off and against a nearby table. As Ford struggled to break free, Boba took the opportunity to aim his blaster carbine at Rick again, who managed to fire his portal gun beneath the bounty hunter.

Many of the bar patrons could only watch in shock and awe at the fight, seeing Boba activate his jetpack and fly in the air above the portal.

"You think that'll work?" Boba taunted. "Now you're a dead man."

"Oh don't worry. It worked."

A large tentacle suddenly sprouted firm the portal, grabbing Boba's leg and coiled around it, dragging him down the portal and sucked him inside. Rick walked up to the portal half drunk, grabbing a bottle of liquor nearby and dropped inside the portal.

"You're going to need that, trust me." Rick shouted downward before closing the portal for good.

After the brief skirmish, the bar went back to normal as if nothing out of the ordinary happened. Claptrap then came back along, whistling a tune to himself until he saw the destruction at the tables.

"Woah! Now that's what I call a hot mess." Claptrap commented, before wheeling away to annoy someone else.

Rick then went back to Ford, who helped the old man up and took out some kind of plasma knife, cutting the cord with ease and freed his old friend.

"Well that was… eventful." Ford said, dusting off his jacket.

"Yeah well, he won't be coming back any time soon." Rick replied. "Ever been to Dimension T-HJ690?"

"Oh no." Ford gasped in shock.

"Yup… tentacles. Just tentacles." Rick turned to see a fallen down milkshake. "Dumbo didn't get too far."

Master Shake himself had tripped on the stairs up, leaving him a broken mess on the ground as Bender looted the ground of chips and patted the Shake to see if he had anything on him.

"It hurts… everywhere."

All Bender had to say was his usual catchphrase to end this night.

"Bite my shiny, metal ass."

 **O-O-O**

Disclaimer: You know the disclaimer, I don't own yadda, yadda, yadda.


	3. Chapter 3

Authors note: By the title of this chapter, you may know what to expect. But for those who have no idea, this is a chapter focusing on the villains. Of course the heroes aren't going to be the only ones here, so why not have the villains get their spotlight, and trust me, it'll be good. In fact, it might get a bit villain heavy in the next few chapters, which is fine really, cause who doesn't like the villains?

Other than that, I hope you enjoy the new chapter.

 **Chapter 2: Almost Got Em… Of Sorts**

 **O-O-O**

"And that's how I lost."

The voice in mind came from one of the more unusual patrons, a large and muscular orange skinned woman, though many easily mistook her for a man. In actuality, this woman was not even that, but instead it was a Gem and… yeah, it's complicated.

This woman was not alone however, since she had fellow unusual patrons gather around a poker table for cards once more. Besides her, there was also another female though with green skin and not a Gem, a vampire like blue skinned man, a floating triangle with one eye, and a crocodilian man in a business suit.

"So you're telling us that a fat kid beat you?" The triangle asked, amused by the story.

"It was Rose Quartz!" The large woman slammed her fist on the table, sending the cards and chips flying until the triangle waved his fingers to bring the poker items back down.

"Right. The rock like you." The triangle said, rolling his one eye. "Jasper, isn't it?"

"I was supposed to be in and out, but no! Those crystal gems had to still be alive and ruin it all!" Jasper complained. "You don't help me feel any better, Bill."

The triangle laughed out. "Hah! I'm not supposed to make you feel better. I'm a demon!"

"Yes, a demon who lost to children." Said the vampire like man. "How sad."

"Last time I heard, you were beaten all the time by a kid too. One kid!" Bill said as he pointed at his eye. "You're the worst one of us all, Vlad."

Vlad grumbled to himself. "Dumb flying triangle."

"You know, I can easily rearrange your molecules to look like garlic knots." Bill threatened casually before happily announcing his next words. "Here! I'll show you!"

Bill snapped his fingers, and instantaneously a high pitched scream of agony could be heard around the bar.

"MY MOLOCULES!"

The group paid no mind to the screams, ignoring them to proceed with their own game as the lizard man raised the bets.

"I raise." The reptilian said coolly, barely any emotion in his voice.

"Damn it!" The green alien woman shouted, throwing her cards facedown. "This game is rigged."

"Maybe you're just an awful poker player?" Vlad suggested. "After seeing how you play, I don't think the name Dominator suits you."

"That's LORD Dominator, Count Chocula." Dominator insulted.

As everyone else matched the bet, the lizard went all in with his chips after drawing the last card on the table. Everyone else folded their cards down and grunted in frustration, letting the lizard take the pot to add more chips to his already growing collection.

Every poker player at the table had a unique quirk to tell if something was off about their hand, after all; a game of deception suits villains of this caliber. Jasper clenching her fist, Vlad's eye twitch, Dominator's itchy trigger finger, even Bill with his faint glowing when he had good cards. The business suited lizard however, happened to have the ultimate poker face; blank and unreadable with his emotions hidden.

"Come on, Toffee, let us win a big pot for once." Complained Dominator childishly.

Toffee didn't give in to the plea. "I think not. An opportunity to win is hard to pass up."

"You know what else is hard to pass up?" Bill hung over his words. "Maddie's ass. Phew! That's a keeper."

Vlad's eye began to twitch more than usual, and not just because he was dealt another bad hand.

"Really? We're doing this again?" Vlad asked annoyed.

"What's wrong with that?" Bill asked in mocking curiosity. "That's the first time I brought it up."

"Funny. Because I seem to have forgotten the last _five_ nights you've mentioned Maddie." Vlad sardonically remarked. "Hmph! I guess I forgot."

"Then we have to remind you." Jasper rebutted. "Maddie's ass is huge!"

Vlad just banged his head on the table repeatedly, shaking the chips on the table while the other villains played their bets.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" He mumbled to himself over and over, until the villains started to chat.

"Like really, Jack is lucky to have her. Crazy chicks like crazy dudes." Dominator added.

"And muscles. Lots of muscles." Jasper commentated.

"Hoho! Poor Vlad, always getting the short end of the ectoplasmic spectrum." Bill cackled gleefully. "I love suffering!"

"I don't care much for romance, but you let her slip away so easily." Toffee sighed. "It's pathetic."

"Why do I even come here?" Vlad asked out loud.

Bill rebutted quickly. "Because you're lonely."

Jasper added on. "And that Maddie A.I. kicked you out of that fancy mansion of yours."

Dominator held back her laughter. "What? How is that even possible? You programmed her!"

"I gave her too much of Maddie's personality." Vlad answered before thinking vehemently about the artificial intelligence. "And now she's cheating on me with the Jack program!"

"I don't know if I should feel pity, disgust, or both." Bill commented, raising the bets after the first three cards were put down.

"Gah! Can we talk about someone else's failures rather than mine?" Vlad huffed.

"I don't know. Mocking the Dracula wannabe seems more fun than this game." Bill replied, folding his cards on the table after the last round.

"Speak for yourself, you one eyed dorito!" Dominator taunted confidently. "I'm on a roll!"

Dominator set down her cards, revealing a three of a kind.

"Feast your eyes on these babies! I got this in the-

"Full house." Toffee interrupted coldly. "I win again."

Toffee gathered the chips in the center once more, sending Dominator in shock for a while until the next set of cards were dealt.

"Fuck me up sideways!"

Jasper raised an eyebrow as she cracked her knuckles. "That a request?"

"N-no. It's just an expression." Dominator said in disbelief. "How long have you been around here?"

"Long enough to know how to express myself… with fists." Jasper clenches her fists once more, crushing the cards in her hand.

Dominator simply blinks. "… You're not very smart, are you?"

The conversation soon died down for a while, and after a few more rounds, both cards and drinks, the villains decided to share their conquests for power more openly.

"Ever tried to murder your arch enemies and constantly fail over and over again?" Dominator asked out loud.

Everyone at the table except for Toffee raised their hand, who seemed more concerned with counting his poker chips.

"Ugh, it sucks! It's like they have some kind of immunity to our dastardly plans!" Dominator complained. "I have awesome powers, armies of robots, a badass world destroying ship, and yet I can't seem to kill the orange muppet and his horse. Don't even get me started on that skeleton dude."

"Oh yes, it is miserable." Vlad agreed. "I've kept count of all the times I had Amity Park in my hands, even becoming mayor in my human form. But that little pest Danny is always foiling my ingenious plans."

"You mean like that strange obsession you have with making him your son?" Bill asked casually, not caring for the shock on Vlad's face.

"How do you know about that?" Vlad asked cautiously.

"Please! I know lots of things." Bill then spoke in a deeper voice as he flashed several images on his floating body. "LOTS OF THINGS."

Everyone at the table always felt nervous at Bill's usually peppy attitude and sadism, even Toffee was unnerved at the demon's strength. If he wanted to kill everyone in this club, all he needed was a snap of his fingers and boom; goodbye No Name Club.

Thankfully, he enjoyed this place… for now.

"Kinda creepy, Valdie!" Bill singsongingly announced. "But hey! Who am I to judge? It's so much more fun to see you writhe in your self-pity!"

The awkward tension held up the table for a bit after Bill's comment, but all it took to break it was an unexpected guest to arrive from behind and take a seat by Jasper.

"Sup losers? Ready to gamble away your fortunes?"

The man sitting next to Jasper appeared to be wearing some kind of gold and black outfit, fitted with large butterfly wings on his back. The other villains knew who he was, someone who should have never sat down at this table in the first place; especially not next to Jasper.

"You don't belong here, bitch!" Jasper glared down at the scrawny man, pointing across to another poker table from afar. "That's your table!"

"Oh really?" The man said in unwanted confidence. "And who's going to stop me? My ass is staying put."

Before anyone could say another word, Jasper grabbed the man's head with only one hand and threw him all the way across to the table afar, landing him upside down on an empty seat.

"Was that really necessary?" Toffee asked the brutish Gem.

Jasper shrugged. "Nah, but it was fun."

Toffee rolled his eyes and continued the game, ignoring the pained exclamations of the man; tough he heard him announcing himself as 'The Monarch' who claimed to be getting revenge.

"So cruel and unusual… I like you." Bill complimented. "Wanna help me out with a deal I'm trying to make?"

"How about you just deal the cards?"

Bill complied and dealt said cards to the villains, mostly because he wanted to give himself the spotlight.

"So back to Dominator…" Bill returned to Dominator's point about arch enemies. "Arch enemies are such a chore to deal with! All they want to do is stop you from having fun and next thing you know, you're being obliterated from reality."

Only Jasper seemed to be scratching her head out of confusion from that line. None of the other villains seemed to care much for the elephant in the room, well, one of many elephants.

"If you're gone… how are you here?" Jasper asked. "Are you real? Or is this all fake? Am I dead?"

Bill held up his hands in defense. "Easy tiger, you'll get an aneurism from all that thinking. I got a perfectly valid explanation. You see…"

"Random dubstep time!"

Claptrap then pushed a button on his body to turn on a new track of dubstep, rolling around with a new batch of drinks for the patrons while singing to the beats.

"WUBWUB! WUBWUB! WUWUWUWUB!"

"And that's how I'm here." Bill finished explaining his story to Jasper.

"Oooooooh, now I get it." Jasper nodded understandably. "How much jelly did you use?"

"Too much I think."

"But yeah, you totally lost to tween brats." Dominator quickly commented on Bill's failures.

"Uh hello? Nearly destroyed all of reality here?" Bill pointed to himself.

"Yeah, almost." Jasper snorted.

"At least my plans were closer to achievement than any of you." Vlad gloated. "And it didn't involve obesity, puberty or banjos."

"Yeah well, me and Toffee still got something." Dominator fired back. "I may have failed, but I'm not giving up until I crush the whole galaxy!"

"Oh you'll get yours one day. Vlad commented. "We all do."

Despite all of the story telling and personal feelings being shared at the table, everyone stopped to look at Toffee winning the pot. Although a newcomer to the club, Toffee was easily allowed to sit at the villains table to gamble with true threats of the universe, and yet he always kept much to himself from the group, making himself a bit of an enigmatic figure.

He was the only one who didn't share his villainous plans yet.

"Well then… It's your turn." Dominator said, sipping her drink in anticipation.

"For what?" Toffee asked coolly.

"You know, to reveal your grand plan of evil?"

Toffee disregarded the question.

"I don't have a grand plan."

Dominator frowned. "Pleeeeeese? We all shared ours a dozen times and we want to hear yours!"

Vlad nodded. "Yes, I think it's time you shared something about you."

Bill and Jasper silently agreed, staring down at Toffee to make him give into telling. It only took another martini and the rest of the villains to go all in with their bets to convince the lizard to share his story, to which he sighed about.

"Fine. I'll tell you." Toffee cleared his throat. "My latest plan was simple. Kidnap Star Butterfly's boyfriend and lure her into my castle to get her wand."

"The new princess of Mewni?" Bill asked. "I wondered what she was up to."

"Yes, her." Toffee rolled his eyes, continuing with his story. "I knew she would do anything for a certain friend she made, and luring her to me was the next step to achieving my goals. She tried killing me but I was more formidable than she thought. I can regenerate from grievous wounds, and after a brief fight with my former henchmen she was beaten; even after her multiple attempts to free her friend."

"Multiple?" Vlad asked, intrigued by the story.

"I held her friend captive in a magic cage." Toffee explained. "Every time she tried blasting it with her magic, it would only grow stronger. Even when she charged her wand to its greatest limit so far, the cage simply repaired itself around him."

"Okay, this sounds too good to be true. What went wrong?" Bill asked. "Cage eventually blew up for good? Henchman screwed you over? McGuffin?"

"Everything went accordingly."

The villains were shocked at what they heard. Nothing going wrong with a first time villain's plans? Surely there was something wrong in the universe.

"She got herself captured, her so called help was dealt with, and her friend was nice and contained in the magic cage." Toffee sipped his martini in an almost devilish way as he spoke coldly about his plan. "That's when I decided to bring the cage down, slowly so she could watch her friend she loved flattened."

The villains held back their gasps at such a devious thing; they loved it.

"What did you do next?" Dominator asked, invested into the story.

"I let her go from the grasp of my henchmen and let her choose next." Toffee explained. "And all she could do, so easily and foolishly I may add, is give me the wand."

"And she just dropped in right in front of you?" Dominator asked in disbelief.

"Exactly." Toffee replied, sending actual chills down her spine. "But I didn't actually want her wand for myself; I wanted it destroyed."

Now the villains actually gasped. Toffee wanted this artifact of ultimate power destroyed? There must have been so much more to it, and they wanted to know what happened next more than ever.

"I gave the girl a simple choice; destroy the wand or watch her friend die." Toffee added, noticing how invested the others were before quickly interjecting. "Let me ask you all a question before you interrupt me; what do you think happened next?"

Bill was the first to guess the next part.

"Oh I know what happens next! You crushed her friend even when you got what you wanted!"

Vlad added. "You absorbed the wand's remaining powers and became a hybrid!"

Dominator added as well. "You conquered her home and burned it to the ground!"

"You threw a rock at her!" Everyone at the table stared at Jasper. "A big rock?"

"No, she gave me her wand, I made her destroy it, and I let her friend go without breaking my promise." Toffee concluded, slightly annoyed by Jasper's meat headed guess. "Then the wand used whatever leftover energy it had to self-destruct, taking me and the castle with it and well, one regeneration later and here I am."

The wide grins of villainy turned to frowns shortly.

"Well, that's disappointing." Vlad commented.

"At least my plans went accordingly. Can any of you say the same?

The other villains wanted to say something, but Toffee actually had a valid point. Everyone else at this table failed except for their newcomer, and they were much more powerful and older than he was.

"Exactly." Toffee sipped the rest of his drink. "I think I rest my case."

"Well wait a minute, that's only one thing you did!" Bill pointed out. "Are you just gonna retire early? There's gotta be more than that!"

"Oh trust me, I'm not done with her yet. All of you will know the full extent of my plans one day." Toffee rubbed the stump of his missing finger, hiding the display from behind his cards. "She has no idea how I'm still alive, but like I said before, regeneration can do marvels to the body."

The villains were silently disappointed with the conclusion, still expecting something more. Toffee however, wouldn't budge and had more intentions to winning the pot again.

"That's it. My story is over." Toffee looked back at his cards, letting the other villains play their hands on the table.

"But wait... you're dead!" Jasper exclaimed.

It took Toffee a moment to realize just how meat headed Jasper really was.

"You can't be serious." Toffee pinched his fingers between his eyes out of hidden frustration. "Have you been paying attention to my story?"

"Yeah! There was an explosion, right?"

Toffee shook his head, forgetting that Jasper wasn't always one for long details unless they involved war and explosions.

"Royal flush." Toffee coldly announced, making all the villains groan out of frustration. "I win again."

"Fuck me!"

"Fiddlesticks!"

"Mortal meat bag."

"That was my favorite money."

Toffee simply took in all the chips, eager on the inside to cash out another five thousand. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he found his new acquaintances entertaining, even though there was no way he would want to get any closer than that. After Toffee gathered his winnings, he did what he always did, he got up from his table and finished his drink and left to cash out his chips.

"Same time tomorrow night?" Toffee asked the group, who were still moping about their loss.

"Yeah, yeah. Fuck off." Muttered Dominator.

Toffee hid his sly grin from the group as he walked away.

"Why don't we just beat him up and take back the cash?" Jasper suggested. "We could do that right now."

"I don't know. There's something about him that's… interesting." Dominator answered, looking at Toffee from behind, then eyed his lower half. "Very… interesting."

"Can anyone spare me a ride back home?" Vlad asked. "That was the uh, last of my savings and well, I'm broke."

"I thought you owned a corporate cheese empire?" Bill asked.

"When you end up floating in space for years, it's hard to manage things like that before going under." Vlad explained, before going back to humble begging. "So if anyone could spare a ride to the trailer park from here, or maybe a few bucks? Otherwise I have to walk home in filth."

The other villains looked at each other, before deciding amongst themselves to leave. Dominator simple walked off to follow Toffee, Bill opened a portal indoors to go back to his own dimension, and Jasper walked to the bar for more drinks.

"Guys? Anyone? Just one ride?"

No one gave Vlad a ride home that day.

 **O-O-O**

Disclaimer: I do not own any of this, blah blah legal stuff.


	4. Chapter 4

Authors note: So this chapter was actually written by my helpful co-author of this story, who I will not say his name for his sake of secrecy on said co-author's behalf. But I want to thank him for this chapter and for helping out again. This may be a future thing to make thematic chapters, so pirates for example may not be the only theme we will make.

Other than that, I hope you enjoy the new chapter.

 **Chapter 3: Pirate Night**

 **O-O-O**

Tonight was a special night for the No Name Club.

Stan had organized a special event that he knew was a sure fire way to get a few extra bucks in his pocket. After watching too much Pirates of the Caribbean with Mabel and Soos one night, he hatched the brilliant idea to set up a 'pirate night', a special night where anyone who came dressed like a pirate would get half priced drinks. However, Stan purposely limited the promotion for Pirate Night, since his love of money outweighed his love for parties such as these.

He had many of these themed nights planned, but this was also an experiment of sorts to see if it worked well for the club.

Unfortunately for him, Mabel informed the bar patrons about the pirate-themed party on her twitter page and the party he feared was already happening. Sure enough, everyone from Ed, Edd and Eddy to even Toffee was dressed from head to toe in the garb of a sea-going scallywag. The only liquor that was to be sold on this night was rum, whisky and more rum. The bar's interior was decorated in the fashion of a pirate tavern; with dim lighting and had large wooden mugs made to hold the massive amounts of alcohol the would-be pirates consuming tonight to add to the fun. The club was filled with bad pirate accents, drunken sea shanties and Irish folk songs that were also being sung with an intoxicated slur.

Currently, Wendy, Sashi and Star where waiting for their boyfriends at their regular table.

Wendy was dressed in a pair of blue cut-off shorts with a red mid-riff t-shirt with a black vest on over it and a pair of brown sandals on. She had tied her hair into a ponytail and had on a fake scar across her right cheek. She also had a plastic cutlass on one of her short's belt-loops.

Sashi had left her specs at home and was dressed in a pair of black jeans with a black leather boots on to match them. The part-time sidekick also had on a sleeveless red and white striped shirt with an eye-patch covering her left eye and had on a red skull cap over her head. she also had on a leather strap across her chest that holstered four fake matchlock pistols—or least the other girls assumed were fake, Sashi had a tendency to sneak in real weapons into the bar from time to time.

Star had used her magic to transform her normal royal attire in that of a sea fairing wretch. Her dress was morphed into a tattered, strapless, dark red dress with a pair of red high-heels on her feet along with a blue vest over the dress and a three-pointed hat atop her head and an eye patch over her right eye. She had a pair of fake cutlasses strapped to a leather belt around her waist and fake blunderbuss she carried with her that was now resting atop the table.

"What's taking the boys so long?" Sashi wondered as she took a swig of her mug of rum.

"Dipper said that they were putting on the finishing touches to their costumes." Wendy replied "They'll be here soon."

"I tried to help Marco with his costume, but he said he didn't need it." Star mentioned "Whatever they're up to tonight, I'm sure they're gonna try something big."

"Ahoy ye lassies!" A familiar voice in a typically bad pirate accent announced from behind the girls "We be boarding y'er ship!"

The trio of girls turned around and found their respective boyfriends standing before them in their pirate attire for the night.

Just as Star surmised, the three teens were dressed in extravagant pirate costumes, but unlike everyone else who came in their designed outfit, the boys had based their costumes off of famous pirates from literature, movies and video games. Marco was dressed as Edward Kenway the legendary pirate assassin, Penn had dressed himself up as Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean, and Dipper was dressed up as Captain Hook, the dreaded nemesis of Peter Pan in Neverland. The girls had to admit that the boys put some major efforts into getting their costumes right. Dipper snatched a mug of rum off of the table before chugging it down and throwing it to the ground—much to the chagrin of Scruffy the janitor, who already knew he was going to have a long night ahead of him.

"Me mates an' I have sailed across the seven seas and we've come fer ye wenches booty!" Dipper continued as pointed his hook at the girls before him.

"And boy have we come for them." Penn added in his best Jack Sparrow impression, snickering at his in-joke.

Wendy smirked at her young lover's antics and played along.

"Oh me dear lasses, these rowdy sea-dogs have come t'a ravage us like the storm'in seas!" She said in a fake pirate accent of her own as she pretended to be a damsel in distress. "Whatever shall we do t'a please these scallywags?"

"I say we blow em' down!" Sashi mentioned as she gave Penn 'the eyes'. "Or better yet...we should ride their main sails."

"I say we show 'em our afts and let'em take our booty!" Star suggested as she glanced at Marco with a look of 'we gonna get freaky' on her face.

That look alone from the now horny princess was enough for Marco to grab the hyperactive girl and toss her over his shoulder. The Mewman pretended to struggle a bit, but quickly settled down; knowing what was going to happen next much to her pleasure.

"You lads have fun!" Marco said to rest of his crew. "I'm gonna introduce this wench to me good friend, long john silver."

"Ooh! He sounds like a cool guy!" Star cheered, clearly not getting the innuendo. "Is he nice?"

"Trust me Star, you've met him before." Marco smoothly informed her.

With that, the young man began to make his way toward, where else, the restroom. At this point everyone was just numb to the duo's 'sexy stall time' as it was come to be known by the bar patrons.

"Okay seriously, how is she not pregnant yet?" Penn asked the group as he broke character, still in disbelief at the couple's antics.

"Maybe Marco shoots blanks?" Dipper surmised.

"Or he's just really good at pulling out?" Sashi theorized as well.

"Or maybe Star just loves a good facial?" Wendy suggested.

"Ok I get it, they're gross. Can we stop talking about this?" the part-time hero said, obviously sickened by his friend's theories.

"Why should we? It's giving me some ideas." His lover inquired in a drunken lust-filled as she ran her hands down Penn's chest. "Now then ya salty dog, why don't I help you release the Kraken?"

Now how could he possible say no to that? Trick question, the word no wasn't even in his train of thought right now.

"Aye, maybe we should, missy." Penn answered with a sultry tone to his words.

Penn wrapped his arms around Sashi's waist as he kissed her deeply. The violent teen kissed back before standing up and helping the part-time hero to his feet and leading him up the stairs that lead outside. Just before the left the building, Penn quickly and flawlessly snatched a bottle of whisky off of the bar table while Dr. Girlfriend was busy serving another patron. He stuffed the bottle into his vest and the two young heroes darted up the staircase and back to the bar's parking lot, where they would most certainly 'bury the treasure' so to speak.

With the rest of their friends off to claim their booty, Dipper and his lover where all that was of the merry crew which was fine by them. In no time at all, the young teen was all over the older girl. Using his plastic hook, he began to run the tip of it gently down the inside of her thigh, making her shudder in pleasure. Wendy had been drinking since the club opened today, and as her lover had quickly learned, the drunker Wendy got, the more amorous she became. They didn't care who was watching them—in fact, they kind of liked when people watched them make-out. Ever since that night when Wendy suggested body shots, they got off on people seeing them express their love.

"Oh…captain…" She breathed out as she broke this kiss. "Take me to Neverland…"

"Oh we're goin', me bonnie lass." Dipper whispered in her ear before kissing her cheek.

With that said, the two headed out of the club in order to play their deepest desires in the back of Wendy's car.

 **O-O-O**

The group of hormonally stressed out teens weren't the only ones who were enjoying themselves on pirate night. The table that was claimed by a majority of major villains had turned into huge drunken ruckus. Normally, the gang of evil-doers were a tad more reserved then they were now, but tonight they were in an uproar. Full rum and whisky, they gathered together and sang an old, haunting tune that the great pirates of old would wail across the seven seas to frighten their prey.

"Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho a pirate's life for me!" The villains sang in unison. "We're rascals and scoundrels, we're villains and knaves drink up me 'earties, yo ho. We're devils and black sheep, we're really bad eggs drink up me 'earties, yo ho!"

Tonight's band of wicked ones was the usual crowd of Dominator, Bill, Vlad, Jasper and Toffee, but tonight they were joined by some new patrons of the club.

The first was the immortal embodiment of evil, Mirage; the sinister cat sorceress who surprisingly had an excellent falsetto voice when she had enough to drink. Next came the fellow demon, Him, an old associate of Bill who knew every line of dialogue in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, go figure. And finally there was the Fire Nation princess who had some family issues to work out by spending her time drinking with strangers; Azula.

The gang of villains were dressed up as pirates like everyone else, though while the rest his posse was in the proper attire for tonight, Toffee merely put on an eye patch and fake scar on his face and claimed it counted. Of course no one was going to correct the lawyer and they let him be his own type of pirate for the night, mostly because everyone was too drunk to care. While he was feeling the liquor starting to hit him, the man-lizard managed to keep his composure as usual. Just as he went to take another gulp of his rum, a shrill, unwelcome voice pieced the air of villainous camaraderie, killing the mood dead in its tracks.

"Avast me 'earties! Permission t'a come aboard your ship!" Claptrap asked in the worst pirate accent imaginable. "And by ship, I mean your alcohol stained table—so it's not really a boat at all, more like a large block of wood that you guys occasionally throw up on."

"What the hell is that…thing?" Mirage whispered to Bill.

"Something that Stan should've tossed in a junkyard compressor." The demonic triangle answered before tacking on. "Repeatedly."

"What do you want, Claptrap?" Toffee asked, hiding his true anger for the robot.

"Aside from ruining our night." Vlad muttered.

"Please just to get us more drinks, please just to get us more drinks, please just to get us more drinks." Dominator said to herself as a mantra, crossing her fingers out of desperate hope.

"I came to join your merry crew of cutthroats!" the service robot explained in his nauseating voice. "I even dressed for the part!"

"Goddammit!" the green-skinned tyrant nearly shouted in rage, everyone else in agreement. 

"Ugh, I can feel my brain cells commit suicide every time he speaks." Him groaned.

The villains looked over Claptrap's new look. He had sloppily painted on what the group assumed was a pirate costume and a fake beard tied around the front of his body. He also wore a three-pointed hat atop his head, covering his antenna and held a hook in one of his hands. It was by far one of the most pitiful things the gang of super-criminals had ever seen.

"Like it? I had on an eye patch earlier, but Mr. Pines made me take it off when I kept running into chairs…and people…and the kegs in the back room." He explained vividly. "Call me…Clapbeard! Scourge of the seven circuits!"

"Yes, you're clearly a force to be reckoned with." Azula sarcastically remarked with a roll of her eyes.

"Thank you, it's not often I get compliments from royalty." Clapbeard mentioned highly, making the fire-bender face-palm. "So what do you say guys? Am I not vile and vicious enough for your crew of malicious misfits?'

"Yes, yes you are." Dominator pointed out. "Now roll along before we turn you into a dick for Jasper."

"At least he'd be finally good for something." Jasper off-handedly mentioned, making everyone at the table either look at her in disgusted shock or cringe "What? I have needs too y'a know!"

"I might be able to help you with those 'needs'." Azula commented, giving the hulking Gem a seductive glance

"Oh no you don't!" Bill interrupted, floating in front of the princess. "There's enough weird hook-ups at this joint as it is!"

"So what do you say guys?" the annoying machine inquired, wanting the attention to focus on him. "Will you be my loyal crew and let me lead you to glory?"

At this point, the villains had about enough of the machine and were ready to pummel him into scrap, but Toffee, being the one of most sound of mind—which wasn't saying much considering the group was a gang of psychopaths—raised his hand up to settle his friends down.

"You can join us." He said calmly.

"WHAT?!" Was the collective outcry from the other villains, though Clapbeard thought otherwise.

"Oh boy! I can't wait to rule you all with an iron fist!" Clapbeard cheered. "You'll all swab the poop-deck which I assume is where you all go to take a dump out in public."

"I'm sure you'll be a great leader, but first, there's a certain…initiation that you have to pass." The man-lizard continued, winking to his comrades as he did.

"Really? What is it?" The service robot asked. "Does it involve winking, because I can't do that."

"Oh no, nothing of the sort." Toffee assured "In order to join our 'crew' you first need to be…canonized."

Quickly understanding what Toffee meant behind his words, Mirage created a cannon out of thin air. Before the robotic pirate captain knew what was going on, Jasper snatched up the one-eyed machine and stuffed him into the barrel of the canon. Wasting no time, Azula ignited her thumb with a blue flame and proceeded to light the fuse.

"Ah! A mutiny! How could the great and terrible Clapbeard not see this coming?" Claptrap cried out. "You'll all walk the plank for this; I'll send y'a all to Davy Jones locker!"

"You first." Him replied.

The red demon then used his powers to speed up the lit fuse. With a thunderous Ka-Boom! Claptrap went sailing through the air before colliding head first into the wall on the other side of the club. While the other bar patrons watched the whole thing, they merely went right back to drinking once Claptrap slammed into the wall, hoping he'd just stay down for the night.

"I think I'm going to enjoy this place." Mirage said with a smirk.

 **O-O-O**

"Man, those guys are really getting into this whole pirate thing." Howard mentioned after witnessing Claptrap's sudden lesson in flight from the bar table.

"Yeah, but its Claptrap, so I think it's justified this time… I mean, come on. Claptrap dude!" Randy defended, to which his best friend nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, good point."

The two best friends had come to the club tonight for one reason and one reason only: to drink until they blacked out then drink some more. Randy was dressed in his vampirate costume from last Halloween and Howard was dressed in an outfit that closely resembled one to Mr. Gibbs from Pirates of the Caribbean; just without the muttonchops. The two teens bumped their glasses of rum together before downing them.

"Another round, fellas?" Asked the beautiful looking but tragically voiced Dr. Girlfriend, who was dressed as a tavern-wench.

"And keep 'em coming G." Howard answered.

The bartender nodded before walking away to fetch the boys some drinks. Once she left though, her customers instantly began to talk about her behind her back.

"Oh my god that voice is like a dog getting water-boarded." The heavy-set teen said. "Seriously, did she have throat cancer or something?"

"I know right? It's distracting." Randy added on. "I mean she's hot and all, but Jesus that voice is such a boner-killer."

"Why did Stan even hire her?" Howard wondered out loud.

"Because idiots like you would gawk over her body and spend more money drinking and not try to date because her voice drives them back." An all too familiar voice explained sharply.

Randy and Howard slowly turned around to see none other than Stan Pines himself standing before them. He was dressed in a button-up undershirt that was covered by a red and gold vest that had a long extravagant crimson jacket over it. He wore tight red dress trousers and leggings with black buckled dress shoes to go along with them. The club's owner wielded a black cane with a golden skull at the top of it, and atop his head sat a red and gold three-pointed hat with a white feather sticking out of it.

"Jeez Stan, you went all out for this, didn't you?" Randy chuckled out.

"Blame Mabel, she made this stupid thing for me and forced me to wear it." Stan grumbled as he shifted uneasily. "Ugh, I can feel my balls squeezed against my leg in this thing."

"Speaking of Mabel…" Randy mentioned. "Is she still single by any chance?"

"You say so much as two words to my grand-niece and I'll have you taken out back and shot!" the club's owner warned. "It's not my fault your single again!"

Randy instantly backed down when he heard that, ever since his break-up with Theresa, the ninth Grade Ninja had been a depressing sad sack at the club. He tried to hook-up with a few girls here and there at the bar, but he was shot down more times than he could count all his ninja stars.

Suddenly, a cheer roared out from a table not too far away from where the old man and the two teens were at. They turned and saw a crowd gather around a table as a young Latino girl jumped up on the table with a bottle of rum in her hand. She wore a blue dress with a leather corset over her chest and had a rag tied her head, which she threw off and let her black hair come tumbling down. In her drunken haze, she began to do a poor attempt at an Irish jig as someone started to sing 'Drunken Sailor' among the spectators to accompany her dancing, a song that was soon made into an intoxicated choir when the rest of the crowd joined in.

"Ugh…Janna…" The con-artist groaned in annoyance. "That girl has no shame."

"No shame, eh?" Howard repeated as an idea popped into his head.

"Howard, what are you up to?" His best friend demanded.

"Nothing, nothing!" The fat freshman answered. "Say, why don't we get a closer look?"

Randy couldn't deny that he wanted to get closer to the girl. So the two friends took their glasses and joined the ever-growing crowd of onlookers of the young girl. The Ninja of Norrisville watched as the young girl sway hips and dance seemingly effortlessly atop the table despite wearing heavy boots. Janna would occasionally lift a part of her dress up and expose her leg to the people watching her, smiling at the hoots and hollers from boys and girls in the crowd. Without even thinking, Randy moved in closer to the table while Howard stayed where he was and grinned to himself; it was clear to see that he was pleased with himself that his plan was working.

Soon enough, Randy had managed to make his way to the front of the crowd. Just as he reached the table, Janna reached down and grabbed the teen by his shirt and yanked him upward and onto the table alongside her. For a moment, the freshman was stunned by what had just happened to him, but then the rowdy girl gave him a wink and began to dance again. Fighting to keep up and keep balance, the teen began to do his own poor version on the Irish jig alongside Janna. Sadly for him, the rum he had consumed for the evening hit him like a speeding truck.

No longer to keep himself steady, Randy stumbled forward and came crashing down toward the on-lookers, who quickly parted ways like the red sea before he landed on them. The drunken teen hit the floor harder than a sack of stones. Howard would've rushed to his friend's aide if he wasn't so busy laughing his ass off at Randy's face-plant.

When Randy finally came to, he found himself looking at his dance partner cradling his head in her hands and looking down at him with strange mixture concern and lust on her face.

"Are you ok?" She asked softly and sultry.

"Yeah…I think so" He replied slowly, though he couldn't help but stutter. "I-I'm Randy by the way."

"Janna" She introduced with a toothy grin. "Can I buy you a drink?"

"Yeah, that'd be great!" Randy told her as his cheeks became flushed.

Janna laughed his fast response, which in turn made the boy start to laugh as well. And just like that, Randy Cunningham had found his new girlfriend he longed for.

And that's when he puked on himself.

 **O-O-O**

Disclaimer: Yo ho ho, you know the drill hearties! I don't own these scurvy dogs.


	5. Chapter 5

Authors note: So yeah, pretty simple title here. This is another chapter made by my co-author who shall remain anonymous, and I think it's one of the more emotional ones yet. This will be the last chapter focusing on villains for a bit, because the next chapter… I think the next one is the best one yet; at least in my opinion.

For now, just sit back and enjoy the newest chapter of madness.

 **Chapter 4: Toffee and Dominator make a Porno**

 **O-O-O**

Normally, Toffee would be sitting with his regular band of rouges and playing a game of poker while drinking and carrying on about their day. But today the man-lizard was feeling a bit antisocial and wanted to drink alone for the night. So he took a seat at the bar table and ordered his regular martini and drank in solitude; at least that was his plan, the universe on the other hand had different plans for him tonight.

Out of the corner of his reptilian eye, he noticed that his 'friends' were carrying on as usual, as if they didn't notice or even care that the lawyer wasn't present at their table. It wasn't like they were close like other bar patrons groups were; in fact, he preferred if they just stayed acquaintances. Toffee liked to be alone, for he learned early on in life that the person he could trust the most was himself and only himself. He scanned his eyes across for Star and Marco, but they were nowhere to be found—more than likely they were off expressing their love in the men's room yet again. Toffee had to admit that even he was surprised and slightly disgusted by the amount of intercourse the teens had on a daily basis.

"Well hello stranger." Cooed a voice at his side.

The monstrous lawyer turned his head to see who was speaking to him. It was Lord Dominator, and judging by her flushed cheeks and glass of vodka in her in hand, the dirty gears in her head were turning.

"What's the matter Toffee?" She asked in a sultry voice. "Did you get tired of us?"

"I wanted some alone time tonight." He plainly answered. "Though I'm guessing that's not going to happen now."

"Heh. I always pegged you for the brooding type." Dominator said before gesturing to the barstool next to him "Can I join you?"

"…Fine" The lawyer acknowledged before muttering under his breath. "It's not like I could stop you anyways."

The green-skinned girl grinned and took a seat next to the man-lizard, who was now currently hiding his displeasure under a cold exterior.

"I'm guessing that you want something." He surmised before sipping his martini "Say your peace and leave."

"Jeez, way to suck out all the fun." The alien grimaced. "Alright fine—it's about Hater. He's been driving me crazy lately with all his displays of, ugh, love."

Toffee glanced over to Hater's table, where he found the so-called 'greatest in the galaxy' glowering in his direction for sitting with the object of his affection. Toffee narrowed his eyes at the skeleton, which was more than enough to make Hater cower before him and go back to his drink.

"If you're trying to get me to kill Hater for you then I suggest you stop talking." He offered as he looked back at Dominator "You know Stan's rules on people like us conspiring together on club grounds. And I'd prefer it if I wasn't thrown out; this is the only place that makes my martinis just right."

"I don't want to kill him." Dominator corrected. "Well, I mean, yeah I do—but not this time! I've got something a bit more…personal in mind."

Toffee had a pretty good idea as to what she meant by that.

"I wanna show skull-boy over there that I'm not his once and for all." She explained "I want to show him someone have me in ways he'll never be able to. And I want that someone to be you."

In other words, she wanted Toffee to fuck her and make Hater watch.

"I see…" Was the initial response from the monster. "May I ask why me?"

"Well for starters you're a hot piece of ass." Dominator admitted with a smirk. "I mean for a lizard-man your drop-dead sexy. Shit I'm pretty sure some of the guys in here would go gay for you if you offered to bang them."

Toffee let out a small chuckle escape his lips when he heard that. He had sometimes heard the small-talk in the bar about him. Some people like Star and Marco were justifiably weary of him and spoke of Toffee as a dangerous opponent, most of the talk concerning the well-dressed villain was if they would have sex with him or not. He even once overheard Lin Beifong talk about what she'd like to do to him with a pair of handcuffs and some olive oil. While the man-lizard wasn't interested in seeking out a relationship from either gender, he still found it amusing all the same.

"Besides, you're the only one I can envision having great sex with." Dominator continued. "Bill doesn't have a dick, Jasper would be too rough and Vlad would just keep calling me Maddie during the whole thing."

"It sounds like you've been planning this for some time." Toffee pointed out.

"Nah, I just ran all the scenarios in my head real quick before I came up to you." She replied candidly.

Well, at least she was being honest.

"And what exactly do I get out of this?" The lawyer inquired before taking another sip of his beverage.

Dominator gave him a lust filled look as she let one of her legs slip out from under her skirt, showing it off to her fuck-buddy for the night.

"Why, a night with me of course." She told him with her voice becoming as smooth as satin with every word.

Toffee merely cocked an eyebrow in disinterest at her gesture, making the green-skinned tyrant grimace.

"Fine…I'll cover your bar tab for a month." She huffed in defeat. "Do we have a deal or what?"

Toffee mulled the deal over in his head. Was he really going to let himself be someone's sex-toy for the night just so Dominator could crush another villain's spirits? On the other hand though, he had to admit that Dominator was rather attractive—in her own psychotic way.

After several more silent seconds of thinking it over, the man-lizard nodded his head in agreement and finished the rest of his drink. With a look of victory on her face, Dominator led the man-lizard out of the club. While hardly anyone noticed the two villains leave together, there were few still a few who saw them depart.

"…And that's why ponies are band from the bar." Dipper finished.

"I'm never going be able to eat banana cream pie again." Penn remarked as shuddered in disgust after hearing the whole story.

"It was a total bloodbath." Wendy added. "We had to get Rick to teleport them to some other club…I think it was called House of Mo—"

However, just before the teen could finish her sentence, Dipper's twin sibling came in with a huge smile on her face. Said smile was an indicator that she had seen or heard some juicy gossip. If Star wasn't getting rammed in the backdoor by Marco in the restroom right now, she would be eating up every word the other Pines child would have to say.

"S'up guys!" Mabel greeted the group, derailing Wendy's train of thought in the process. "Guess who I just saw hooking up?"

"Was it Tak and Tom? Because that's been going on for a while now" Sashi said.

"Wait, they got together?" Dipper asked, taken aback. "But Tak's like in her sixties in Irken years and Tom's still a teen!"

"I guess he's into cougars." The part-time sidekick shrugged.

"No! Not them!" Mabel cut in, getting the conversation back on track. "I just saw Toffee leave with Dominator."

"Oh that's nice, Toffee and Dominator hooked up; good for them." Penn commented off handedly.

It took several seconds for the realization to set in, but when it did, it dropped like an atom bomb.

"TOFFEE AND DOMINATOR?!" Penn shouted in surprise.

The group was instantly intrigued by this news. Neither villain seemed to be interested in finding a relationship and focused solely their goals, so to hear that arguably the two new biggest evil-doers had left together for the night raised some rather interesting theories as to why they had decided to spend the night together.

"Come on Mabel, give us some details." Wendy questioned.

"Well I couldn't hear them, but from what I could see, it looked like Dominator was practically throwing herself at Toffee." the young girl explained.

"Figures she would make the first move." Sashi mused "I always pegged that green-skinned bitch for a skank."

"Damn Sash, you don't have sugar coat it." Her boyfriend said before getting a glower from her. "N-not that that's a bad thing!"

"I'm just surprised Toffee left with a girl." Dipper remarked. "I was always thought he gay."

"I just pictured him as a secret freak." His older lover commented. "Like he's all cool and junk on the outside, but he goes all fifty shades of grey on some girl when they're alone."

"Jeez, could you imagine the kids?" Penn mentioned. "That'd be some anime tsunde shit right there."

"Let's not be too hasty to think they'll stay together." Dipper suggested. "For all we know, this could be just a one night stand."

"Yeah, good point." the part-time hero agreed, to which their girlfriends nodded as well.

"But what if they do become a couple?" Mabel argued.

The rest of the teens let the thought of arguably two of the worst villains becoming an item sink in. Toffee was cold and calculating while Dominator was a wild animal with the power and an army to wipe out anyone or anything she chose. If they stayed together, they would more than likely fuck the whole galaxy sideways; possibly the universe.

"Then God help us all." Her brother said grimly.

"…Well that was fucking ominous!" Wendy muttered.

 **O-O-O**

Mabel wasn't the only one who noticed Toffee and Dominator's departure from the bar. Across the room and seething with anger, Lord Hater was grinding his teeth as held in his anger at the sight of his crush leaving with the reptilian lawyer. Green streaks of electric energy danced across his body as his rage swelled up inside him like a furious storm.

However, his drinking buddies at his table merely rolled their eyes at the former greatest in the galaxy's temper tantrum, knowing their poker game was now ruined. The Monarch, Zim, Ludo and Hater's ever faithful right-hand man; Commander Peepers had gotten sick of the skeleton's whining for the wicked tyrant's unrequited love.

"Oh will you knock it off already!" The Monarch groaned in frustration. "It's getting annoying!"

"I have to agree with the Monarch, sir." Peepers mentioned "I really think you should enjoy the rest of the night and forget Dominator."

"But that guy totally stole my girl!" Hater shouted in rage.

"She was never your girl, sir!" Peepers argued.

"Enough!" Zim exclaimed. "Zim cares not for your feelings skull-man! I only care about crushing you with my three kings!"

It took the Irken a few seconds to register what he just blurted out.

"Spiddely Spooge!"

"That's easy for you guys to say." Hater defended as he pointed a finger accusingly at Zim and Monarch. "You got back together with Dr. Girlfriend and your bumpin' ugliles with that goth girl!"

"Leave my love-pig out of this!" The invader warned sharply "Or I shall unleash the wrath of the Gaz-human upon your filthy skull-head!"

"Hey I don't have a girlfriend and you don't see me crying about it!" Ludo cut in.

"That's because you look like a toad's warty shit and you've never thought about it." Monarch mentioned, making the tiny tyrant frown.

While Ludo contemplated his appearance, Dr. Venture's former-arch nemesis turned his attention back the living skeleton.

"And as for you…" His voice became menacing before it suddenly shifted into a brighter tone. "Don't give up hope buddy. You're vile, evil and black-hearted; Dominator would be crazy not to be your girl."

Hater smiled brightly upon hearing the confidence booster from his drinking buddy.

"But yeah Toffee's totally gonna hit that green ass harder than the side of a tree on Endor." He finished. "I mean he is just gonna ruin everything below the equator. Seriously, have you seen his dong? That thing is hung like a Pringles can!"

And just like that, the self-confidence Hater received left him.

"Wait, how do you know what his groin looks like?" Peepers questioned suspiciously.

"I caught a quick look of it in the men's room when he was using a urinal and I damn near had a heart-attack when I saw it." The former major villain explained. "Point is, he is gonna wreck Dominator's vagina tonight. I mean it's gonna look like hurricane Katrina just blew through there after he's finished fucking the shit outta her. And if it'll be bareback I can't tell you that right now, because there isn't a condom out there that can fit that sledgehammer in his pants."

"Can we please get off of the subject of Toffee's meat?" Ludo piped in. "The guy blew up my home, I don't want to be told his thing is bigger then me in more ways than just my height."

"Well I can tell you who won't be off that subject tonight." Monarch continued without a care for Hater's feelings. "I wouldn't be surprised if we see lil' miss Dominator limp in here tomorrow night, because Toffee's anaconda don't want none unless she got—"

The super-villain's words where cut off when Hater let out a rage-filled cry before diving across the table and proceed to try and strangle the life out of the Monarch. Ludo only laughed at his friends suffering while Zim took this opportunity to look at the other's cards. Peepers only shook his head before promptly leaving the bar, he had a season three box set of Gilmore Girls he wanted to catch up on.

 **O-O-O**

The trip to Dominator's ship was silent. Neither villain said a word one another, they didn't have to. Once they boarded her spacecraft, the intergalactic menace lead Toffee through the many hallways of her ship and to her massive bedroom. Dominator then walked over to her queen-sized and sat. She then seductively crossed her legs and gave the man-lizard a look of lustful hunger. The lawyer, however, remained stoic in appearance, unfazed by the of the tyrant's advances.

"So, how do you plan to record this?" he asked.

"Glad you asked" The alien answered. "Bot sixty-nine!"

One of the empress's probes quickly zipped into the room.

"Begin recording when I give the order." she commanded.

"Affirmative." The probe answered with a salute.

She then looked back to Toffee seductively.

"Now then…" She began smoothly. "Lemme see what you got under that suit."

With a bored sigh, the lawyer began to undress; all the while his partner for the night licked her lips as she watched him strip off his clothing.

 **O-O-O**

Without going to deep into detail, Toffee managed to carry out Dominator's scheme without a hitch. He left her breathless after the event was finished, which was a first for her. He touched her in ways that she never thought possible. Every thrust, every kiss, every movement set fireworks off inside her body; the man-lizard certainly knew how to please a woman. She left in a pleasurable daze and wanting more—even though all the energy she had been fucked out of her.

She woke up to the sound of sweet music playing throughout her room. She slowly opened her eyes to see Toffee, who was in a bed robe, sitting at the piano at her room that she kept as a decoration piece, playing a familiar, yet slightly off-key tune. The song itself sounded familiar, she thinks it was called 'I would do anything for love'

"Never pegged you for a fan of Meatloaf." She muttered as she sat up in her bed, wrapping the blackest robe around her body as she did.

"I find his music intriguingly artful." The lawyer said, not looking away from the piano keys.

"Your good, but you're a little off-key." His partner pointed out before she climbed out of bed.

"Well I am working with a small disadvantage." He replied in a cold, yet matter-of-factly tone, showing her his missing finger as he did.

"Well it's driving me crazy." She informed him. "Scoot over."

Rather than argue with the green-skinned woman, Toffee slid over and gave Dominator enough room to sit down. The two villains began to play in perfect harmony within the first strike of the piano key. They kept up pace with one another as they did in-between the sheets. The lawyer had to admit that Dominator was great musician, he only played piano as a hobby, but she was a natural at the keyboard.

"Your rather good, Dominator." He complimented, yet still had no emotion could be found in his words.

"You should hear me sing." the empress bragged "Shit, I'd be belting this song out to high heaven if I wasn't so tired for our little romp!"

Toffee let a small smirk form on his gator-like mouth before letting it die away. They continued to play on with the rest of the song until their hands touched when they both went to strike the same key. They stopped competently and locked eyes on one another in an uneasy silence. In a moment, Dominator's head shot forward and kissed Toffee deeply, wrapping her arms around his neck. This kiss wasn't filled with lust, but with love. With no other thought given, the man-lizard wrapped his arms around her waist kissed back with a sweet tenderness that no one thought he was capable of.

Just as they kissed, the monster jerked his head backwards and shot up from the piano chair. He looked down at the tyrant with a mixture of shock and betrayal on his face. She could barely look him in the eye, only staring down at the piano keys in shame. He knew in that moment that this wasn't just about her getting back at Hater, but so much more. It must be so lonely being the number one villain in the galaxy; he couldn't fault her for seeking out a kindred soul to be with that wasn't a total moron.

Admittedly, a part of him wanted to enjoy this more and scoop her up in his arms and make real to love to her. But then he glanced down at his hand and gazed at his missing finger, mentally reminded him of the creed he always lived by: the only person one can trust is themselves, and as beautiful as the empress was, she was too untrustworthy.

"I...I'm sorry, but I can't do this…" Was all he could say. "We can't do this…"

Dominator said nothing in response.

Toffee then wordlessly put on his pants and undershirt before gathering up the rest of his suit and walked out of the woman's bedroom without so much as a goodbye. And while he couldn't he see it, the lawyer could certainly hear Dominator weep alone.

 **O-O-O**

The next night Toffee returned to the bar alone and acting as if nothing had happened, making everyone assume that what happened between him and Dominator was just a fling. He sat at the bar table and ordered his usual martini. He looked over to the villains table and saw Dominator sitting with a glass of vodka and looking forlorn. For a brief moment, he considered going over and consoling her, but decided against it. Just he received his drink, Vlad and Jasper walked up to him.

"Hey Toffee, we wanna ask you something." The Gem asked. "Are you and Dominator a thing now?"

So word did reach his comrades after all. How wonderful.

"Where did you hear such nonsense?" The man-lizard questioned before sipping his drink.

"Word around the bar is that you and Dominator hooked up last night." Vlad answered. "I told this orange gorilla that it was just a one night stand, but she thinks you two are going steady for some reason."

He looked over to Dominator, who still refused to look at him. He had no idea if she told them anything that transpired between them last night. He had to play it cool and find out the truth without letting them unto him.

"Did you ask Dominator?" He inquired casually, sipping his drink.

"We wanted to ask you." Jasper said. "At least you wouldn't flip your shit like she would."

There was no way he was going to tell them what really happened between them last night, so he kept to the hallway version of the truth.

"If you must know, it was indeed a one night stand." He informed coolly. "She wanted to take me home last night. Who was I to say no to such an offer?"

"See? I told you." The half-ghost said to Jasper as he held out his open palmed hand. "Pay up."

"Yeah, yeah just take your money and shut up about it, Masters." She grunted as she slapped a twenty in his hand before looking back at Toffee. "So you gonna join us for poker tonight, or are you just gonna sit here and be all antisocial again?"

In truth, that was the plan for tonight. He didn't have the heart to sit at the same table with the woman he hurt. But he had to keep up appearances from keeping the other villains from seeing any weakness in him, for if they did, he would instantly lose any standing he had among them.

"Just let me finish my drink in peace and I'll join you." He finally answered.

The two villains nodded in understanding before walking back to the table, leaving the lawyer alone in the silence of his shame.

 **O-O-O**

Lord Hater didn't feel like going back to the club tonight. He merely sat his throne and sulked. After pummeling the Monarch senseless, he went straight to his room and had been brooding in it ever since. Just then, he got a knock on his door. Without getting permission, Peepers entered the room with a tape in his hands.

"Sir, we just received this tape from Dominator." He announced "I believe that—"

"Dominator sent me a tape?!" His leader shouted in joy. "Don't just stand there; play it!"

"But sir I think that—"

"Play it!"

"Why do I even bother?" Peepers muttered under his breath as he put the tape into the video-player.

"Heeeey, I like this tape!" Hater said as he saw the image of his crush sitting her bed. "And now she's getting undressed too?! All right! See Peepers? I told tha—wait. Why is Toffee there? W-why is he getting undressed? W-what? What the? Nooooo! Nooooooo! Oh gross! Nooooo! Not cowgirl style! Oh grop he really is that big! Ah Peepers how can I compete with that guy?! He's got a kick stand for a shlong! Nooooh, wait, that's his tail, but what's that another thing in the fro—holy s***! No don't suck on that! Hey where's that gerbil going? No not there! Oh that's sick! No she's—EW! Nasty! And now what is Toffee do—oh! Oh grop that's sick! Peepers I'm gonna puke! Oh I'm never going to be able to eat fruit salad again! Why Dominator whhhhyyyyyy?!"

 **O-O-O**

Disclaimer: I do not own these colorful bastards, but I wish I did.


	6. Chapter 6

Authors note: So here it is, probably the most fun and favorite chapter so far. It's a little hybrid of me and my anonymous co-author, as in some parts are written by me and others by him. So much was put in this chapter, and I hope you guys laugh your asses off, because if you don't, well that will make me sad and my coauthor sad.

But other than that, I hope you guys enjoy the newest and longest chapter yet. Because holy shit! More than 8600 words! I really want to thank my coauthor for this, he wrote all the parts without the two main "heroes" involved and the conclusion, huge shoutout to him.

Other than all that, let's dive into the madness again.

 **Chapter 5: Smokey and the Robot**

 **O-O-O**

It was a normal day at the No Name Club. Another day of bringing in patrons for poker and booze was another day for Stanley Pines to make some serious dough.

However, something was amiss today for the old man. Stanley heard a loud knocking noise, calling out for the person to come into his office. The person was none other than his most loyal but not as bright handyman, Soos Ramirez. The chubby man child entered with a look of worry on his face, as if he had found out something that would set off his boss like a bomb.

"Mister Pines, we got a problem." Soos said worryingly.

"What is it, Soos? Are the toilets clogged with rubber pigs again?" Stan asked before quickly adding on. "Those pranksters are gonna get it one day!"

"That, and something worse." Soos said.

Stanley had no idea what he meant until the handyman explained specifically what he meant, and it was something that made the old man pale.

"Oh no…" Stanley mumbled to himself. "Not today. Why does it have to be today?"

Stanley went on full alert, straightening his bowtie in a hurry and rushed out of his office down the stairs to the bar. He pushed past a few patrons, ignoring the need to sucker punch an insulting patron calling him an 'old sack of meat' and slammed his hands down on the bar.

"Jesus, Stanley!" Exclaimed the familiar deep voice of the bartender, Dr. Girlfriend. "Where's the fire?"

"I'm about to fire you if you don't close this bar!" Stan exclaimed hurryingly, seeing the patrons walk to the bar out of confusion and curiosity.

"Okay, okay." Dr. Girlfriend shut down the bar, turning off the tap for the alcohol before it could even start flowing.

"What the hell is going on?" Asked Dipper, his usual trio of friends and girlfriends just as confused.

Stanley had to brace himself for outrage and disappointment, and hoped that this wouldn't start a bar fight so early in the morning.

"Bad news, everyone! We got cops coming today to investigate the club after SOMEONE snitched!" Stanley looked around the area, seeing only faces of anger and confusion. "I don't know who did it, but there was someone on the inside that told the cops about everything going on here."

"So?" Asked Marco. "What's so bad about that?"

"I should slap you right now, but that would be inconsiderate." Stanley calmed his nerves. "They were told about the wild parties, the violent fights, the underage drinking; everything."

This upset the patrons more than anything. It was one thing to drink yourself silly and vomit on someone's cards or to shank a man with a broken beer bottle, but a snitch? That was going too far.

"The first thing they'll be looking for is the booze, and that means we have to hide it all or else they confiscate it." Stan finished one part of the whole situation. "So until we can resolve this issue; the bar is closed."

A collective gasp could be heard, the loudest being from the bar's favorite drinking robot Bender.

"You want us to spend the whole day… sober?! You monster!" Bender proclaimed, many patrons nodding and murmuring in agreement.

It only took a few more minutes to explain the exact details, or the ones needed to be heard, of what the patrons can and cannot do while the investigation was underway, painfully one might add since Stan's revenue would take a hit right in the money tree. After the patrons scattered across the bar for other things to do; depressingly sober, Stan turned back to Dr. Girlfriend.

"So that's it then? No more bar?" Dr, Girlfriend asked.

"Temporarily." Stan corrected. "I got a plan in the works."

Dr. Girlfriend was interested, and since she was staff she had every right to know.

"Before I came downstairs, I told Soos to load the semi-truck with all the booze we have left. He's going to take it all to a secret hiding place that the cops will never suspect." Stan explained. "But I couldn't just leave him all by himself you see, this mission is a two man job. That, and I don't trust him alone with all that booze."

"So who did you send to help him out?" Dr. Girlfriend asked.

"I'll summarize it in one word; Claptrap."

Dr. Girlfriend had a look of dread in her eyes. Claptrap? Out of everyone in the entire universe, Claptrap was the only one available to help out with the future of the club?

"Ah, run that by me again? I thought you just said Claptrap."

"I have never been more serious in my life." Stanley gave cold stare at the bartender. "Desperate times call for desperate measures. Claptrap is all I have available, the rest of the staff are either all out sick or late."

"What about me?"

"You have the best job; telling new patrons the bar is closed." Stanley explained. "People listen to a lady with big tits and a sexy body better than me."

"Yeah but… Why Claptrap?" Dr. Girlfriend asked again, still unsure about the situation.

"He's all I got left." Stanley said. "That and the little toaster drives me crazy."

Dr. Girlfriend just couldn't believe this. She just got this quaint little job a few months ago, but she enjoyed it for the colorful characters and the nice tips she got for her tip jars. It was hard believe the fate of the club relied on Soos the handyman, but Claptrap as well?

That robot might as well be responsible for the apocalypse.

"While this mess is going on, I'll keep you up to date about everything." Stanley said calmer. "There's a few connections I need to use; I'll be at my office if you need anything."

"Please tell me you have a backup plan." Dr. Girlfriend pleaded. "What if those two get caught?"

Stanley sighed in despair before announcing lowly.

"Then this club is pretty much screwed."

 **O-O-O**

"This is exciting!" Claptrap happily announced. "I can't believe Mister Pines actually trusted me with something! Moi? The robot busboy finally getting his dreams fulfilled? I'm living the dream! Isn't that right, Zeus?"

Soos rolled his eyes out of annoyance as he loaded the boxes of liquor in the trailer. "It's Soos. Not Zeus. I told you like, a bajillion times already."

"No problemo, Zeus!" Claptrap mispronounced again. "Are you ready to go on the best road trip of your lifetime?"

Truth be told, Soos was absolutely terrified of this job. Stanley had been known to send Soos off on some risky business since the Club was opened, but nothing was truly worse than spending an entire day with Claptrap.

"Not really." Soos admitted.

"Good! Because I'm not ready either!" Claptrap replied happily. "Once we get these boxes of booze loaded, we'll be ready to roll out."

Soos simply sighed as he loaded another box into the trailer, trying his best to tolerate Claptrap's constant jabbering. He had been doing this for the past half hour, and not once has Claptrap lifted a single box to help out. Soos panted as he stood on the empty space of the trailer, wiping the sweat off his brow and from the heat of the morning sun.

"Dude, can you pass me that box over there?" Soos said, pointing to the box by Claptrap. "I can't even get down for that."

"I got this." Claptrap replied, lifting the box and rolled along to Soos.

It didn't take long for the robot to trip his wheel on a rock on the parking lot, falling face down and dropping the box of booze with a loud shattering of glass.

"Seriously?" Soos exasperated, tiringly jumping down to lift the box and throw it in the dumpster.

"My fingers slipped!" Claptrap exclaimed, quickly rolling to the side of the truck.

"Just close the door when I put the last box inside." Soos ordered.

"Gotcha, Zeus!"

Soos simply put the box of liquor inside the last empty space of the trailer, ready to move out with the trip. Claptrap then closed the door, actually not breaking anything for once, and the two went inside the truck. Soos climbed into the driver's seat while Claptrap rode shotgun, who had at first mistakenly thought there was an actual shotgun under the car seat.

"Oh no, you're looking at the wrong place." Soos pointed at the glove compartment. "That's where the shotgun is."

Claptrap was about to put his robotic flipper hand on the compartment, only to be prevented from opening it by it being locked.

"Yeah, I knew you'd do that." Soos chuckled out.

"So where did you put the key?"

Soos started the truck. "Uh… you'll know in four to six hours."

"Well that's just nasty."

 **O-O-O**

Later that day, Stan returned to his office where his 'special help' was already there waiting for him. One of his connections was a number to a residence recommend by Stan's more illegal sources in case of emergencies. So after a call and managing the rest of the club, he came back to his office to meet with his help.

It was a trio of very muscular and intimidating looking girls, all of whom were sisters—well technically they were half-sisters, but no one dared bring up that fact about them out of fear of being beaten to death by these trailer park girls.

The first was a tall redhead whose bangs covered her eyes. She was dressed in a white sleeveless tank top and blue jeans. The second was a blue-haired despot whose hair covered her left eye and was wearing a black t-shirt with a pair of baggy dark green shorts. Finally, the third was a buck-toothed blonde who wore a grey shirt and red shorts.

Their names are Lee, Marie and May; the dreaded Kanker sisters. They are the best at what they do, but what they do isn't very nice.

"I'm glad you girls came." Stan said as he took a seat at his desk. "I was afraid you wouldn't accept my offer."

"We aim to please; as long as the reward's good enough." The eldest sister Lee said. "So what can we do for you, old-timer?"

"As you already know, the bar's been closed and the cops are on their way to search this place for anything illegal." The club's owner began. "All because someone ratted us out!"

"So you want find this little snitch and pound 'em!" Marie said, already catching on.

"Do you what you want to them, but don't kill them." Stan elaborated. "Bring them to me alive, so I can finish 'em off myself."

While the other two siblings were excited at the idea of inflicting pain on some poor soul, their eldest sister wanted to hear the reward for their efforts.

"And what's in it for us?" Lee inquired.

"Oh! Can we hot dogs served to us for free?" May piped up, only to get smack in the back of the head by Marie.

"I'll cover your bar tabs for the next six months." the old man replied.

"It's good…for a start" The head Kanker said. "What else have you got?"

"Are you kidding me? I just said I was gonna cover your bar tabs for six freaking months!" Stan snapped. "You should be lucky I'm giving you pieces of trailer trash that much!"

"Well if that's all you got, than I guess we'll take we'll take our business somewhere else." Lee simply answered as she began to walk toward the door. "Come on girls, this cheapskate ain't worth our time."

As he watched the trailer park girls head toward the door, Stan knew that if was going to get to the bottom of this, he'd have to bite the bullet on this one. So against his better judgment, he reached into one of the desk's drawers that continued on to his six safes that he had hidden within his office. He opened the final safe and withdrew a roll of seven hundred dollars and slapped it on the table loud enough for the Kankers to hear it.

The sight of the small stack of money made the trio stop dead in their tracks. Granted, it wasn't a huge amount of cash, but if you came from a poverty infested trailer park, any amount of money with two zeroes at the end of it was a big pay-off for you.

"Here's seven hundred up front." He offered. "There's another seven hundred when you bring me the snitch. And I'm willing to talk to a friend of mine who's really good at forging keys to make a few… special ones for you."

"Why would we want some dumb old keys?" May rudely questioned.

"Because I may be able to convince him to make some keys to those boys you stalk." The Club owner informed them. "Want to break and enter without getting caught?"

That got the girl's attention more so than the money and the six months of free beer. Knowing that he perked their interest, Stan went in for the kill.

"So, now do we have a deal?" He asked.

The Kanker sister's response to that was spitting in their hands and holding it out for a handshake.

"Yeah I'm not doing that." The con-artist bluntly told them "Look, just get out there and find that little rat and bring him or her back here. But try to be discreet about it, ok? The last thing I need is more pressure from the cops coming down on me."

"Oh don't worry; we'll be real careful Mr. Pines." Marie assured him as she scooped the roll of cash and placed it in her bra.

"You got any leads for us to start with?" Lee asked.

"Oh, I have a few…" Stanley said with a dark grin on his lips.

 **O-O-O**

It had been nearly four hours since the drive to Stan's secret hiding place. The truck was far from the club's location, driving along the highway in the afternoon with an ever brighter sun out. Soos was hoping this would have been a quiet trip out, but with Claptrap by your side, nothing was guaranteed.

"Ooooooooh! She'll be coming round the mon-

"Please stop." Soos interrupted, his patience thinning every second.

"Hold on, I'm not finished." Claptrap whinned, wanting to finish his singing. "She'll be coming round the monster when she shoooots! She'll be coming round the monster, with her twin katanas sharp and out, and she'll splatter the monster's guts all over the waaaaaaaall!"

"That was dark." Soos commented. "Just like the last ten times you sang that song."

"And it never gets old!" Claptrap replied, overenthusiastic as usual.

At this point, any normal and rational human being would have jumped out of the truck and end their suffering. Soos was not an ordinary man however, he is one of pure loyalty and dedication, willing to get the job done no matter what the cost; even if it meant costing his sanity.

For once the robot was silent, but only very briefly.

"Isn't this great? You and me, on the road trip of a lifetime?"

"You just said that before."

"I know." Claptrap acknowledged. "I just like reminding people about their current objectives."

"My objective is clear." Soos adjusted his hat in dramatic fashion. "Save the No Name Club and defend Mister Pine's honor."

"Like a samurai?"

"Yeah, but with a toolbox and wisdom wiser than fortune cookies." Soos said proudly.

"I can be wise too!" Claptrap tried comparing himself. "Do I or do I not give helpful advice on how to shoot a gun or unclog a toilet?"

Soos shrugged. "I dunno, robot dude."

"The dude is not necessary. I'm called Claptrap, or just Clap, or really any cool nickname you want to give me."

"I dunno, Claptrap." Soos repeated. "This seems like something you might not know how to solve, no offense."

"You worry too much, big guy." Claptrap waved his hand off. "When this mess is over, your boss is giving us both a raise, mostly me because I'll take all the credit!"

"Haha, sure dude." Soos brushed off Claptrap's statement. "We both get a raise."

Claptrap crossed his arms, mumbling something to himself that Soos couldn't hear audibly before breaking the silence once more.

"Sooooo, can I drive?" Claptrap asked.

Soos almost braked out of fear. "Uh, not a good idea dude."

"Aw come on! Just one minute!" Claptrap complained once more. "I promise, scouts honor; I won't accidentally brake in the middle of the highway."

"Again no offence, but you don't exactly have the best reputation." Soos answered. "Nothing good is said about you in the club."

Claptrap waved off the answer. "What those losers say back there is exaggerated! So what if that time I bumped into the hydra dragon got my entire party killed? They left out the guy with no arms, and losing them isn't THAT painful!"

Soos blinked a few times to comprehend the story.

"Woah man, I didn't hear anything about like, arms loss."

"That jerk made such a big deal about it! So much that he actually cried for his mommy!" Claptrap said. "Then his mommy actually came with her gang of bandits and called in a lawyer to sue me. I got the hell out of dodge and you know what? He's still complaining about his arms, but guess what? Helloooo, you're still breathing!"

Claptrap threw his arms up in frustration, or at least that's what it seemed like.

"People these days are so sensitive about limb loss. Amirite or what?"

Soos had little to say about the matter.

"Bringing you was a mistake."

 **O-O-O**

With the Kankers on the hunt for the bastard who had ratted him out, Stan could now focus on the next step of protecting his business from being taken away from him. With the cops soon upon them, the con-artist had to make another desperate alliance if he was to keep the bar going. So he called upon someone else who would be best to handle a situation as delicate as this.

His other new ally was none other than a certain reptilian lawyer who fortunately enjoyed this bar, so hopefully it wouldn't be as hard to convince him to join Stan's cause to protect the club from being shut down.

"I must say Stanley, you must be truly desperate if you have to come to me for help." Toffee said as he took a seat in front of the old man's desk.

"Yeah well I ain't a fan of it either, croco-dillhole." The con-artist replied before snickering at his joke. "See it's funny cause you look like a crocodile and you're an asshole."

The man-lizard merely rolled his eyes at that remark and let Stan continue.

"Listen, you don't like me and I sure as shit don't like you." Stan began. "But if I'm gonna save this bar, I need your help on this one."

"Let me guess…" Toffee surmised "You want me to clean up this debacle with the police?"

"Bingo!" Stan answered.

"I was under the impression that you paid off the police to look the other way." the villainous lawyer asked.

"Blubs and Durland I can deal with, but these assholes who will be knocking on your door want to uphold 'order and justice.'" the Club's owner elaborated with disgust laced into those words. "So, what do you say?"

The lawyer stood up from his seat, however, unlike the Kankers who had nearly left, Stan was already anticipating this from Toffee.

"Now hold on lizard-lips, you haven't heard my offer yet." He mentioned

"And what could you possibly have to offer me?" The man-lizard questioned in an almost snide tone. "I don't want your money and Dominator is paying for my drinks for the time being. You have nothing that I want."

"Is that a fact?" The bar's owner asked matter of factly as he reached into his suit. "Well get a load of this!"

In one swift motion, he pulled out an odd looking hilt from his suit. Before Toffee could say anything on the seemingly hunk of junk, Stan clicked a switch on the hilt and a black blade of energy ignited from it. The lawyer's eyes widen in surprise at the sight of the weapon, clearly in awe of it.

"Where did you get that?" He inquired, trying to hold back his wonder.

"From Vlad. He gave it to me to pay off his bar tab." The con-artist explained. "He said he nicked it off of some red guy while he was in space."

Toffee watched as bar's owner slowly moved the blade through air, like a moth to a flame. As Stan switched off the weapon, he already knew he had the man-lizard's attention.

"So, do we have a deal?" He asked, despite knowing the answer as he handed him the darksaber.

"Indeed we do." Toffee confirmed as a small smirk formed on the corner of his mouth.

With that, the two newly made partners in crime shook hands.

"Let's just hope your employees are doing just as well as we are."

 **O-O-O**

"So what if I forgot to put full gas in the truck?"

Indeed Soos and Claptrap were not near the club, maybe not even near the same state anymore. The truck had stopped on empty after pulling over to a gas station, luckily not on the road to cause an accident.

"Dude, I told you to do that while I was loading the boxes." Soos argued, filling up the gas of the truck.

"My audio was just out of shot from you." Claptrap argued back.

"Or, you get easily distracted." Soos countered.

"I don't get- Hey!" Claptrap picked up a shiny object from the ground. "Lucky quarter!"

Soos sighed, knowing that whatever he said was going to get him nowhere. The handyman had a lot of difficulties with this trip. Claptrap never stopped talking about stupid things, things that even Soos could not comprehend, and it wasn't any easier when Claptrap made mistakes to the point that it felt intentional.

Claptrap observed his surroundings, having no idea where they were at. "Looks like we took a wrong turn from Albuquerque."

"I don't even know what that place is." Soos replied confusingly.

"Well then, let me tell you about it… It's a place." Claptrap trailed off with his words. "That's all I got. Now let me put this quarter away."

"You don't even have pockets. Unless you got like, robot pockets." Soos said.

"I have a coin slot if that counts." Claptrap replied, inserting the coin just below his optical eye to revel a thin coin slot.

Suddenly, dubstep music started playing out loud from the robot, making Soos cover his ears from the blasting sound.

"Oops! My manual jukebox overdrive activated!" Claptrap shouted loudly, dancing to the music.

"What? I can't hear you!" Soos replied.

"I said, my manual jukebox overdrive activated!" The robot repeated.

Soos's words could not be heard to Claptrap's audio sensors, with the clerk from inside the station coming out to hear the racket of outrageous dubstep pounding his ears.

"Hold on!" Claptrap shouted, making confusing hand signs to Soos. "I! HAVE! A! IDEA!"

Claptrap wheeled over to the back of the truck trailer, picking up the rock and busting off the lock to open the doors. Ripping off the tape of the cardboard top of the box, the robot grabbed a bottle of beer and screwed off the cap, pouring it recklessly on his body and staining the metal paint with beer.

A few short circuits later, some beer seeped into the small slot and shut down the music, only to also short circuit the robot as well, causing him to crash into the taillight and bust it. Still standing a few feet away from the truck, Claptrap got himself stuck in a strange audio loop from the internal damage of the booze.

"Claptrap?" Soos asked as he walked to Claptrap, hearing the strange sounds the robot was making.

"Bububububububububububububububububububu…"

"Oh no." Soos mumbled to himself. "Don't worry, robot dude. 'I'll fix you."

Soos tried everything he had learned in his handyman years at the Mystery shack, getting his emergency toolbox he kept in the back of the truck with the boxes of beer in the trailer. Despite everything he tried, there was no way Soos understood the complexities of fixing a robot; let alone one with a discontinued line.

"What the hell is wrong with him?" The clerk from the gas station asked.

"He's keeps saying like, bu, over and over again." Soos explained. "I think it's the beer."

The clerk took a look at the cases of beer in the truck, amazed by the amount in there.

"Woah! That's a lot of booze!" The clerk commented.

"You have any ideas how to fix a robot?" Soos asked.

The clerk shook his head. "We don't usually get robots around here. Or at all, really."

"You seem pretty calm about all this."

"Eh." The clerk shrugged his shoulders. "I've been through worse, but I think I just thought of something."

The clerk motioned to Soos to give him a hammer from his toolbox, which he then used to hit Claptrap on top of the head with a loud thunk.

"BUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBU…"

"That didn't help at all." Soos commented, the sounds now louder and faster.

"I tried." The clerk gave up, giving back the hammer.

Claptrap just kept on going, while Soos decided to just give up for now and fill up the truck with gas. By the time Soos was done, he had filled up the truck with gas and gave the cash to the clerk for the gas, thanking the man who called himself 'Randal'.

"Bubububububu… BOOBIES!" The Robot exclaimed as he came to, looking at Soos who seemed somewhat relived that the robot was okay. "Hey! What did I miss?"

"Nothing really." Soos replied. "You poured beer all over yourself and broke something inside."

"Did it work?" Claptrap asked, before running a quick systems diagnostic. "Yup! My jukebox function is completely destroyed, all for my buddy!"

"Heh, it wasn't me that fixed you, but I appreciate it." Soos said, gracious for the thank you despite it coming from Claptrap. "Now let me put my magic tools away and we can head out."

"Are they actually magic? Because that makes you ten times more awesomer in my book."

"No, no. But I have a gift of fixing things. Soos chuckled out. "Well… most things."

As Soos finished packing his tools up, Claptrap checked the sky to see the sun setting.

"We gotta move, big guy! Burning daylight!" Claptrap exclaimed.

"Just let me close the-

"SLAM!" Claptrap slammed the door before Soos could finish his sentence, an audible cracking sound could be heard.

"Hmm, it didn't close all the way… better try it again."

 **O-O-O**

Robbie slowly awoke to the pounding on the front door and in his head. He and the rest of his friends had been crashing at Tambry's house and having their own party since they were no longer welcome at the bar after the Goth picked a fight Dipper in a drunken rage and lost. Since then, they would all get together and just party at his girlfriends for hours rather than hang around that 'house of freaks' as Robbie called it.

"Knock, knock" A female voice said on the other side.

"Yeah, who is it?" He grumbled groggily just as he reached the door.

"The Door!" Lee shouted as she kicked it open, hitting the punk in the face with it doing so.

The Goth was sent flying backwards into the wall from the force of the door hitting him as the trio of rednecks stormed into the house. The commotion the girls had made woke up the other teens in the house, however before they could react or call the police, the Kankers had rounded them up and moved into the living room where they were forced onto their knees with their hands tied together. No one made any attempts to fight back against the trailer park girls, for they knew how strong the sisters were.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Robbie accused.

His reply came in form of a hard slap across the face from May's hand.

"We're asking the questions here emo-kid, not you." Lee warned before kneeling down to his level. "Now someone snitched on the No Name Club, and our boss has a pretty good idea it may be one of you."

"Why us?" Tambry asked out of fear.

"Because your boyfriend here caused a bit of a ruckus the last time he was there and got kicked out, and in my mind that would be what I like to call motive." The eldest Kanker explained as she darkly eyed the boy. "Seriously, how did you lose to that pipsqueak?"

"I didn't rat on anyone!" Robbie defended. "That place maybe a freak show, but I'm no narc!"

"Is that right?" Lee inquired with a wicked grin. "Well maybe you'll start talking after Marie's done with you."

Before Robbie could ask what she meant be that, the teens heard the sound of something being knocked against the wall. They turned to see the blue-haired girl knocking a baseball bat against the wall, hitting it harder with each swing. The sight of the middle Kanker swinging her weapon made the group collectively shudder.

"Now I'm gonna ask again, and I really hope I get answer this time." Lee began in a much colder tone. "Which one of you sons of bitches snitched?"

Rather than try to the rational thing and try to calmly explain that they had nothing to do with the club's current dilemma; Robbie did the well, Robbie thing, and spat at Lee's face. Instead of pummeling him senseless, the redhead decided to let her sibling get that honor.

"Actually, I'm glad that you did that. Watching Marie beating dumb assess like you to death is the closest we ever get to going to the movies." She laughed as she stood back up, wiping the spit away as she did "Hey Marie!"

"Yeah?"

"We got ourselves a little shit who wants to do this the hard way!" She informed he sister, stepping back as she did. "Oblige him."

Marie made her up to the teenager, making a few knocks against the walls as she approached him. At first, Robbie assumed that they were only bluffing, that was however, until Marie introduced his skull to her bat. A roar of laughter erupted from the other two Kankers as they watched their sister crack her weapon across the teen's head. Robbie struggled to get back up, only to have Marie stomp on his chest and pin him under her foot before wailing on him some more with wooden club; all the while his friends where screaming and crying for her to stop.

"Alright, alright take it easy Marie." Her elder sister ordered "We don't wanna kill him…yet."

Lee then knelt down beside Robbie, smiling darkly as she did.

"Y'a know something? I'm betting you or your friends aren't the rats we're looking for." She informed him "But I got a feeling you know something. So you better start talking before I let Marie go for round two."

"I…I'll talk" her victim wheezed out.

"See? Now was that so hard?" the trailer park girl asked as she patted his head.

 **O-O-O**

Gideon was having a perfect day. He awoke to the sound birds happily chirping outside his bedroom window, a healthy balanced breakfast made by his mother and had lovely stroll through the park with his former inmates watching over him. Sadly though, his perfect day was shortly ruined when a certain trio of trailer rash girls burst into his home, beat down his former prison-mates and carried him up to the roof of his house.

Now here he was, dangling upside down with Lee Kanker holding onto his ankles with a wicked smile on her and her sister's faces.

"Now I know a fall from this height won't kill you." She began "But if I drop you enough times it will."

"Why are you harpies doing this?!" He demanded.

"You know why." Lee answered matter of factly. "You made the mistake of snitching on the No Name Club, and now you gotta pay."

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Gideon shot back. "I may not like that den of sin, but Stan and I made peace months ago!"

"Oh really? Then why did Robbie say it was you who talked to the cops?" The head Kanker countered.

"The Valentine kid? He's an idiot!" The former villain argued. "He couldn't even beat Dipper in a fist-fight! Let alone to have the brain power to deduce a theory as stupid as one you're accusing me of!"

Lee leaned in and carefully studied the boy's frightened face. Her mother always told her and her sisters that you can tell if a man is lying or not by the look in their eyes, and judging by the sheer terror in the boy's eyes, he was telling her all they needed to know.

"Looks like his story checks out, girls." Lee told her siblings.

"Oh thank you…" Gideon sighed in relief. "Now if you just let me go, I swear not to press charges."

Another evil smile formed on Lee's lips.

"Very poor choice of words there, kid." She commented before releasing her grip on his ankles.

 **O-O-O**

As afternoon neared a close and night settled in, the pain from Soos's broken hand had subsided temporarily. He kept a first aid kit in the glove compartment, he even found a note written in ink that said 'in case of Claptrap' inside the kit. Soos managed to make a small cast for his broken left hand, but he needed two hands to drive the truck properly.

Soos took his biggest risk yet; trusting Claptrap behind the wheel. It was a ridicules scenario that only got worse, having to strap a wooden block on Claptrap's wheel so his short frame could actually reach the pedals while able to see the road.

Claptrap couldn't be any happier.

"Yes! I'm the road warrior now." Claptrap exclaimed. "My dream has come true!"

"Yup." Soos replied in contempt, still mad at Claptrap.

"I said I was sorry." Claptrap tried to apologize. "We needed to skedaddle out of there, pronto!"

"You couldn't have waited until I told you, dude?"

"Nope!" The robot replied bluntly. "We have a mission, and that mission is to keep this booze out of the club until Mister Pines calls you."

"But why did you rush me?" Soos asked.

"That's your question? Huh. I thought you were mad at me?"

"I am mad at you." The handyman clarified. "But I don't hold grudges, it's not good for like, your health."

"All I heard was that you're not mad at me, and that's okay!" Claptrap replied.

There was a short silence among the two, with Claptrap passing by some road signs that didn't recognize. In fact, there was a lot outside the club he didn't know about, and if Soos wasn't his navigator the robot would have lost the truck.

"So… what's your story?" Soos asked. "I mean, how did you even get here?"

"You want to know all about me? The humble origins of the greatest robot in the universe?"

"Uh, I don't know about-

"It all started on the assembly line when I was just a faulty prototype." Claptrap began.

"Dude, I didn't mean-

Claptrap didn't let Soos get the chance to express his displeasure as he continued.

"After my accidental shipping to my new master, my first day of being a service bot was one of the greatest things ever!" Claptrap continued. "I was a happy lad, so full of life, passion and vigor, which I guess would be oil in my case; but boy was I full of it!"

"You sure are, dude." Soos agreed, doubting Claptrap was any different in the past. "But let's go a little forward."

"How about the first person I officially served instead of being a dartboard?" Claptrap suggested.

Soos shrugged, it's not like there was anyone else to talk to; his tolerance was getting the better of his common sense and he liked stories anyways.

"Go ahead."

"The first person I ever served was a Hyperion corporate mogul. He was about a gazillion years old, smoked cigars with a pet monkey, slapped his minimum wage employees with stacks of money; the usual." Claptrap remembered fondly. "I don't remember his name in my databanks, but he wasn't very likable."

"Was?"

"Like all organic beings, he had a penchant for dying _really_ slowly with age." Claptrap continued. "In his case, dying from having his atoms vaporized by falling into a particle accelerator. Sigh, a tragedy in the making."

"Woah." Was all Soos could say.

"Pretty metal way to go, right? But then things went bad to worse when everyone accused me." Claptrap finished. "I mean, come on! He got in the way of my random dubstep routine, so he must have intentionally tripped over me when I blocked his way."

"…I think I understand why everyone hates you." Soos realized.

"Hate is a strong word to use." Claptrap commented. "It's more like a strong and passionate dislike that people share against an amazing persona like mine."

Soos shook his head at the robot, still in disbelief that Stan hired him out of everyone.

"I've been meaning to ask you, like before you interrupted me." Soos said, getting the robot's attention. "How did you end up working for mister Pines?"

"Well… since I like you, I'll keep it short." Claptrap said. "After a vault hunting mission went wrong on Pandora, I ended up falling though an inter-dimensional portal to another world. I was terrified when everything went black, I couldn't see anything and all I felt was cheap plastic."

"That actually sounds pretty scary, dude." Soos admitted.

"It was terrifying!" Claptrap said in his chipper voice. "Until I realized that I was in the dumpster all along, right behind the No Name Club. It was a whole new world; with all kinds of goofy characters walking in that club without a care in the world for a little guy like me! Until they got to know me, in about five seconds."

Soos had nothing to say, letting Claptrap finish his story.

"Long story short, Mister Pines found me roaming the parking lot and hired me right off the street, but after taking a long chemical shower first. And after bugging him over and over about hiring me; I even begged and made awful crying sounds. I was really convincing."

"And now you're the only busboy left?" Soos asked, knowing that Claptrap was the only one left.

"Busbot. Thank you very much." Claptrap corrected proudly. "There used to be many other busboys, even a buslady. Until they all decided to quit; I guess they got jealous of my mad dancing skills."

"Now I know why Mister Pines was so desperate." Soos understood.

"Don't underestimate my skills, not after what I've done for the club."

The handyman raised an eyebrow at the statement.

"What are you talking about" He asked suspiciously.

The robot brushed off the suspicion. "Trust me Zeus, after today, Mister Pines will be begging me to make me his business partner."

"That sounds eerily suspicious." Soos pointed out, eyeing the robot with worry.

"Don't worry about it!" Claptrap waved at Soos. "If there's anything that you should worry about, it's the flashing lights behind us."

Sirens could be heard blaring from behind the truck, with Soos looking at the rearview mirror to see a police car tailing the truck.

"Oh no." Soos said. "Mister Pines told us to stay away from the cops."

"I got this." Claptrap said confidently, stepping on the brakes slowly to pull over. "Just play it cool; and the boys in blue will go to…school? I dunno, I was trying to rhyme in a clever way."

The truck pulled over without incident, and yet somehow Soos still had a bad feeling something was going to happen. Claptrap may have been driving smoothly so far, but he wasn't sold on this being easy.

With the police car pulling over behind them, the officer driving exited and walked over to the driver's seat with his flashlight out. Claptrap opened the window door, sliding it down to look the officer in the eye.

"How may I help you, fine sir?" Claptrap asked politely.

"Do you know why you are being stopped?" The officer asked calmly.

"No idea." Claptrap answered honestly.

"Well, you're taillight is broken." The officer pointed out, making Soos face palm to himself for forgetting to fix it. "And not only that, but the lock on your trailer doors is broken and stuck together with duct tape. Can you explain how this happened?"

This was the moment of truth, either Claptrap lied to the officer to make up an elaborate story to convince him, or he spilled the beans to tell the truth.

" _What would Commander Shepard do?"_ Claptrap thought to himself, before saying his answer.

"Fuck the police!"

Claptrap floored the accelerator, speeding off and nearly running over the officer.

"Dude! Not cool!" Soos shouted.

"Dude! Totally cool!" Claptrap replied. "We're not going down without a fight! In fact…

Claptrap grabbed the key to the glove compartment from Soos's pocket, ignoring where it came out from and how he had to get it, quickly opening the hatch to grab a sawed off shotgun from there. Soos tried to move his hand to get it, but he realized he used his broken hand and winced in pain, letting Claptrap take the gun in his hands.

"Gah, How do you even… Oops!"

Claptrap ended up tossing the gun out the window by pure bad luck, and to make it worse the gun went off and fired its shells, setting the cop chasing them on high alert and to contact more officers around the area.

"Why did you do that?!" Soos exclaimed to the robot.

"In Pandora, we like to shoot our guns in the air to begin a chase scene." Claptrap calmly explained. "But I guess I messed that up."

Soos couldn't take it anymore.

"Dude! I don't normally say this, but I hate your robot guts!"

"Aw, come on! You don't mean it." The robot ignored the anger from Soos. "It can't possibly get any worse."

The robot stuck his rhomboid body out the window, turning it to look at the cops while letting go of the wheel. Soos quickly reacted to Claptrap's ignorance of driving, using his free hand to steer the truck on the road while Claptrap shouted at the almost dozen of police cars behind them.

"You'll never take us alive, coppers!"

A bullet shot through the air, nailing Claptrap in his optical eye and shattering it.

"Aw, son of a bitch!" Claptrap exclaimed. "It's just an expression!"

The robot got back down from his rave, putting his flipper hands back on the wheel while Soos tried calming himself down; to no avail one may add.

"Dude! Watch the road!"

Claptrap turned to face Soos, shocking the handyman with his broken eye.

"Easy for you to say!" Claptrap rebutted. "But don't worry, my sensors will be my eyes… at least they would be if I remembered to update my systems yesterday."

Soos ended up taking the wheel again, using his free hand to steer the wheel while Claptrap kept the wooden block on his wheel on the pedals.

"I can't believe this is happening." Soos said. "We're so dead – I never even got to say bye to my girlfriend."

"Don't be such a drama mechanic! Sure, my eye is busted and your hand is too, not to mention the probability of a fatal truck crash is eighty five point seven percent and getting shot by the police takes up everything else…" Claptrap paused for a moment before speaking. "Well, it was nice knowing ya."

"There's gotta be something we can do!" Soos said, steering hard lefts and rights to avoid colliding into the nearby drivers passing by.

Claptrap took a few seconds to process his think tank, and he actually did have one more plan in mind.

"Zeus! Do you trust me?" Claptrap asked out loud.

"After all this, not really!" Soos replied nervously.

"Too bad!" Claptrap said as he pressed a button to unlock the passenger door by Soos. "I got the best plan yet!"

Before Soos could protest, Claptrap jumped towards the passenger door, opening it with his stubby hands and punched the heavyweight handyman out the truck with ease due to the unexpected nature of Claptrap.

"See you in jail, buddy!"

Soos ended up tumbling along the road, with Claptrap trailing way blindly as the handyman stopped in the middle of the road. The cops chasing the truck saw this happen, and all at the same time, the bunched up cars braked to try and avoid hitting Soos.

It was total anarchy, with cop cars crashing and piling up against or on top of each other, the madness of one of the most destructive car accidents came to life before Soos's eyes. By the time he got up to give himself over to the authorities, he stared at the wreckage of cars and wondered if there were any cops that could actually arrest him.

"Claptrap… you're the craziest dude I've ever met."

 **O-O-O**

After the heroic escape from the corrupt law enforcement – or at least how Claptrap spun it - the robotic vault hunter returned to the club with his precious cargo in tow, but not without causing intense property damage along the way. After the alcohol was flowing once more, Claptrap and the rest of the staff were out in the bar as the machine told his tale of how he managed to evade the law.

"…and that's how I escaped the cops!" The robot finished his story. "Pretty strategic of me, if I do say so myself."

"Strate—you shoved Soos out of the truck!" Dr. Girlfriend scolded. "Your lucky Toffee got him out jail!"

"Yeah dude, not cool!" His partner added on as he glowered at him. "I almost got traded for cigarettes! Be grateful I still fixed your eye after all this."

"Anything you want to say, Stan?" The bartender asked.

Dr. Girlfriend's boss wasn't really paying attention at the moment, he was too busy arguing with the trailer park girls over the phone after their search for the snitch turned up nothing.

"I told you that you'd only get your reward when you found the rat!" He shouted in the phone. "And guess what you didn't get? So no snitch, no keys! And I want my seven hundred bucks back!"

With few more swears exchanged over the line, Stan switched off his cell phone and turned his attention back to his staff members.

"Claptrap, you caused thousands of dollars of damage that Toffee is going to have to spend hours upon end to clear up for us, shoved Soos out of a moving vehicle and almost killed him, caused a huge pile up of cop cars in the middle of a highway, and you could have gotten other bystanders killed." His boss began. "But you and Soos saved this bar and—I can't believe I'm saying this—all I can say is…"

Stan struggled to say the last two words to finish his sentence, gritting his teeth as he did.

"Thank… you."

"Always happy to help, Mr. Pines" Soos replied with a warm smile.

"Woot! So does that mean I can get a raise?" the service robot asked.

Stan's answer to that was in the form of a fit of laughter, as if he had just heard an amusing joke—which for him this was a joke.

"Nice try toaster, but it's gonna take a lot more than saving my establishment to convince me to raise your wages." The old man spat as he continued to laugh at him. "Especially for someone like you."

"Drat, and here I thought my plan would work." Claptrap cursed himself, getting everyone's attention instantly. "Oh well, back to the drawing board."

"Plan? What plan?" Dr. Girlfriend quickly questioned.

"The one where I tell the cops about this place and then Stan would have me hide the booze and I'd look like a hero and get a raise out of it, duh!" The bus-bot explained casually, not realizing how much of a bad idea that was. "Seriously Doc, you gotta keep up with this sorta stuff."

Upon hearing his explanation, Stan instantly stopped laughing and locked his now steel harden gaze on the machine with murder in his eyes. The bar's owner wasn't the only one who heard that confession, for every patron within earshot of Claptrap also heard—and with a voice like his, everyone heard. The patrons instantly stopped what they were going and prepared to jump from their seats and beat the ever loving shit out the little bucket of bolts at a moment's notice—even the more peaceful people in the bar were ready to tear this snitch a new one.

"You…did…WHAT?!" Stanley roared furiously.

"Yeah, pretty slick of me, huh? I had to improvise everything else since I forgot most of it and just made stuff up along the way, but I thought it was pretty fool proof!" Claptrap continued happily. "So, about that raise for your favorite employee?"

"Oh I'll give you a raise, you little bastard." Stan growled. "With fists!"

"That sounds delightful!" the service bot replied, still not aware of the world of hurt he was headed for. "But I don't accept fists. Cash or credit will do just fine."

The old man then once again jumped onto the bar table to speak to the rage-filled crowd before him; they heard everything they needed to hear from Claptrap to know what comes next.

"Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we're gonna have a surprise Mexican themed night!" He announced.

"For me? You shouldn't have!" Claptrap said flattered, unable to see his own stupidity. "Now who's going to be the piñata? I bet my bottom dollar it's Bender, isn't it?"

"Don't worry about that… you already volunteered!" Stan proclaimed, cracking his knuckles.

"Wait, what?" Yelped Claptrap.

"So in the words of my town's mayor…" Stan continued. "Get 'em!"

The second he had said those last two words, every able-body person in the bar sprung from their seats and proceeded to pummel the little robot into a pile of scrap, all except for Soos who stood back and looked away from the carnage.

All Soos could do is sigh when he saw the aftermath of what was left of Claptrap, knowing full well he couldn't just leave the scrap pile scattered across the floor; he was the only 'busbot' willing to work here. Soos cursed himself for his tolerance as he left to get his toolbox, but how can he not be; he was Soos.

That didn't stop him from voicing his own opinion however.

"Lamest robot ever."

 **O-O-O**

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters at all, not even the clerk at the gas station whose name may be familiar to you.


	7. Chapter 7

Authors note: So this is another chapter co-written by my favorite co-author, whose name shall not be mentioned. This is certainly one of the raunchier and sexual stories, no lemons mind you; ya dirty shoobs! Not much to say except I hope you enjoy the new chapter.

 **Chapter 6: Stan Illustrated**

 **O-O-O**

When the boys entered the bar early today to get some drinks in before the late night rush, they discovered Stan and Dr. Girlfriend were busy unpacking boxes filled with bags with what the teens would only assume were either merchandise or drugs. Thankfully, it was the former of the two options. This didn't shock the trio in the least; Dipper's great-uncle was notorious for capitalizing on a good idea—or a bad one—by selling mountains of cheap, useless crap to the public.

"Ah, boys!" Stan greeted as he waved over to them. "Come here and check this out."

"What is all this?" Dipper asked him and his friends.

"Why it's the club's merchandise of course." His great uncle answered matter of factly. "Check it out, we've got t-shirts, mugs, caps and even pogs!"

"What is this, the eighties?" Penn commented. "No one gives a shit about pogs anymore"

"People will like what I tell them to like." The bar's owner casually replied. "But that's not all, we even made few more items outside of the generic crap that'll really get me some money—I'm mean make people give their money—I mean… ah, screw it! Just look at this."

Stan then reached into the box and pulled out a small plush doll that resembled his grand-nephew.

"Ta-da! It's a mini-Dipper! He's softer and less sweaty than the real one." He explained, earning a grimace from Dipper in doing so. "He even has over twenty phrases."

Stan then pulled the cord on the doll's back.

"I peed my pants!" the doll said in drunken slur, clearly a rough recording, to which his friends burst into a fit of laughter.

"I hate all of you." Dipper grumbled as he grimaced at his great-uncle once more.

"How did you even manage to record all of this?" Marco asked, as his laughter died down.

"I had Claptrap record conversations throughout the bar awhile back. Then I had Soos edit them and find the best quotes." Stan explained. "And Dipper isn't the only person I made dolls of."

The con-artist then pulled out more dolls that had the likenesses of every single patron of the bar, including Marco, Penn and their girlfriends. Curious what the old man had recorded from them, the other two teens pulled on the strings and listened.

"What do you mean you forgot to take the pill?!" the Marco doll cried out.

Now it was the hoodie wearing teen's time to be laughed at. Next was Penn's turn to pull the cord to his doll.

"Sure Sashi, we can try pegging." the Penn doll commented.

Rather than laugh, the group could only look at the part-time hero into total shock and disgust.

"What? We were celebrating women's apperception day." The ginger defended.

"Well that explains why you couldn't sit down last week." Marco surmised. "I just thought you had hemorrhoids"

"I guess we should call you Pegged Zero." Dipper snickered.

"At least I don't hide in my girlfriend's bedroom and jack-off while she's undressing!" Penn snapped.

"Hey she knows I'm in there, so it's not that creepy!" The younger teen shot back.

"You kids are gross." Dr. Girlfriend muttered, shaking her head in disproval.

"And this just the tip of the money made ice-burg, boys." Stan continued. "I've got another piece of swag that'll really get some attention."

"Is it legal?" his grand-nephew asked.

"Only if we do it right." The con-artist began. "I'm making an underwear calendar to sell at the bar, and the models will all be patrons."

"An underwear calendar?" Penn repeated in skepticism. "Isn't that a little…tame?"

"I'd have gone with a more pornographic one, but Dr. Girlfriend told me no woman would willingly fuck a horse." the bar's owner answered.

"Clearly you've never looked too deep into the internet." Marco mentioned.

"So did you hire a photographer?" Dipper asked.

"I'm glad you asked, kid!" The con-artist said enthusiastically. "It's you three."

The trio of teens were taken aback by that statement. Now normally, if a boy their age was asked to snap pictures of very attractive women in bikinis they would jump at the chance. However, these boys were in relationships with some very beautiful—and very scary—ladies.

"Are you out of your mind?!" Marco exclaimed. "The girls would murder us if they found out about this!"

"Yeah, Wendy's cool with a lot of stuff, but I'm pretty sure she'd castrate me if she knew as snapping pictures of other women." Dipper pointed out.

"And you'd never find my body after Sashi was done with me." Penned added.

"Not to mention Star would probably banish me to some horrible dimension." Marco finished.

"Well excuse me, I had no idea I was talking to a trio of whipped pansies!" the old man scoffed.

"I'm not whipped unless I ask for it!" The cap-wearing teen argued before realizing that he just blurted that out "Hehehe…whoopsie."

Rather than open that can of worms right now, the boy's friends did the smart thing and ignored it for now and kept focused on the subject at hand.

"Can't you hire a professional to do this?" The ginger questioned.

His great-uncle's respond to that came in the form a fit of howling laughter like he did when Claptrap had asked him for a raise. Dipper should've know better than to ask him of that.

"Ha! That's a good one!" He finally said. "Listen, I need you guys to do me this solid. I'd get one of the staff members to do it, but they all said no, and I'm not trusting Claptrap with this. I'm still punishing that little bastard for snitching on me."

"Did someone say my name?" The service bot called out from across the bar as he poked his head out of the broom closet.

"Get back in the closest you bucket of bolts!" Stan commanded, making the robot whine.

"But there are spiders in the boxes!"

"Stay outta my boxes!"

Claptrap let out a sigh in defeat before slowly rolling back into the closest, closing the door behind him as he did; allowing the boys to once again get back on track.

"Look Stan, what you're asking of us is a big deal." Penn reasoned. "It's not that we don't want to, it's just that…"

"We like being in a relationship with our girlfriends." Marco finished before tacking on "And living."

"Well too bad, because you're doing it!" Stan said sharply. "You punks owe after I let you throw that party a few weeks ago!"

"But you told us to-

The elderly man then pulled out three cameras and placed them into the teen's hands, not letting Marco finish his sentence.

"Now get out there and get me photos of some beautiful women!" the bar's owner warned "And they all better over eighteen! I don't wanna deal with the cops again!"

With no other option, the teens set out on their mission. Even though they had no idea where to start or who to ask, not to mention that if they were discovered it would mean the end of their relationships and possibly their lives.

 **O-O-O**

Later that night, the bar was once more filled with its regular patrons. As they costumers drank, the trio of the newly made photographers sat at their regular table, mulling over who they could ask to shoot pictures of.

They had considered asking Dr. Girlfriend to be one of their models, but they decided against it since the very sound of her voice made their boners want to commit suicide. Besides, they doubted that her husband would approve of it and would annoy them to no end.

Their girlfriends hadn't arrived yet and for once the boys were happy for that, for if they did show up it would make things even more complicated. Just then, Dipper felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He took it out and saw that he had received a text from his older lover.

"Well, it looks like God's cutting us some slack." He said to his friends "Wendy says that she and the girls are going to have a night out and won't be coming tonight."

"That's odd, Sashi's not really into the whole 'girl's night out' thing." Penn mentioned in suspicion. "But on other hand, that does give us time to take the photos and get it over with without them finding out."

"Yeah, if we can find anyone who wants their picture taken." Marco countered. "I mean it's not like we can just walk up to someone and say 'hi! You're very pretty can we take a picture of you in your underwear? Oh, and can you do it in the sexiest pose you can make? That'd be just swell!'"

"I can do that." A female voice suddenly spoke up.

The teens slowly turned around to see none other than Lord Dominator standing before them. Instinctually, the boys leapt from their seats out of fear of the evil empress.

"Relax guys, I'm not here to kill you." She casually assured them "In fact, I wanted to ask if I could be in the calendar."

"How do you know about that?" Marco asked.

"Dr. Girlfriend mentioned it to me while I was getting my drink, and since Toffee and Vlad are no shows and I'd rather not hang out with the big cheesepuff and the dandy dorito all night, I was like 'sure, why not.'" Dominator admitted. "So what do you say boys, am I in?"

While Dominator was a very intimidating and deadly person with the power to level whole armies with little effort, no one could deny that the green-skinned villain was incredibly sexy. Many of the male bar patrons outside of Lord Hater lusted after her and would perhaps shell out big bucks to see her half-naked—even the boys themselves had to admit they wanted to see that.

The envy for Toffee grew ten sizes that moment.

"Lord Dominator, your about to become Miss January." Dipper said. "I'd be happy to be the one who-

"Dibs!" Penn cut in. "Called it."

"Goddammit!"

Penn gave his friends a cheeky smirk as he and Dominator left the bar to begin her photo-shoot.

Now Marco and Dipper were left to seek out other girls for the calendar. Just then, the Hispanic boy noticed a pair of young women sitting at a nearby table, drinking and laughing together. The patrons knew the two women as Korra and Asami: the bar's local lesbians. Upon seeing the couple sitting together, an idea sparked in Marco's mind.

"I think I know who we can get for February." He said to his friend as he pointed to the couple.

"Korra and Asami?" Dipper asked in disbelief. "Good luck with that dude, you're on your own on that one."

"Hmph, thanks for the backup." Marco muttered before he walked over to the girls.

Now it was down to Dipper to find someone, but as Marco had said earlier, it wasn't going to be easy to find someone who'd be willing to expose themselves like that.

Suddenly, as if the universe was throwing him another bone, a young red haired woman in her early twenties entered the bar. She swore a white t-shirt with a green hoodie over it and a short-skirt. Dipper had seen her come to the club a few times before, but never really talked to her. What he did know about her was that her name was Frankie Foster and she's the caretaker at her grandmother's foster home for imaginary friends; and word around the bar was that she was bit of a party girl underneath that nice girl façade she put up.

After gathering up his courage, Dipper made his way to the bar-table where Frankie was currently sitting and ordering a small glass of bourdon. The older redhead noticed the young boy walk up to her and greeted him a smile.

"Oh hey, you're Dipper Pines, right?" she asked "I've heard about you and your friends. So what can I do for you little dude?"

"Well Frankie, it's like this…" The teen began awkwardly began, getting Vietnam flashbacks as he was reminded of his awkward crush on Wendy he had when he first knew her. "I-I was wondering if you'd uh… like to help with something for the bar."

"Sure, what is it?" she replied with interest in her voice.

 _"Well, here goes nothing."_ He thought before speaking out loud. "I was wondering if you'd like to model for a calendar were going to be selling here…an underwear calendar."

There was a bit of a pause from Frankie's end, making Dipper think that he just offended the older woman as he gulped nervously.

"Yeah, absolutely." She answered with a smile. "Are you taking the pictures?"

"Yes!" Dipper squeaked out, clearing his throat afterwards.

"Cool." Frankie said. "Alright, let's do this!"

"Yes ma'am!" The teen responded a bit too quickly.

Frankie finished her drink and headed out the door with Dipper following behind her. As he did, the boy couldn't help but let his wander over downward to her rear-end, taking in the sight of the older woman's rear view and imagined Wendy with an ass like Frankie's.

So he had a massive hard-on for redheads, sue him.

 **O-O-O**

While Marco had said that he was going to ask Korra and Asami if he put them in the calendar, his bravado had abandoned him in the short time between walking his table to theirs.

It was hard to determine how the couple would take the offer; Korra was known for bouts of anger her while lover would assist in the ass-kicking of anyone who had rubbed them the wrong way. A good example of this was a few days back when Emperor Awesome attempted to invite the pair back to his ship for a three-way. He's still in the emergency room to this day. Marco had faced monsters, villains and Star on her period before without any problems—well maybe he had trouble with that last one—but hell have no fury like a sexually frustrated Avatar.

But just as Marco's mind started screaming 'Get out of there, you idiot!' he was already at the girl's table.

"Marco, are you ok?" Asami inquired.

"Oh! Hi ladies!" He yelped out "I-I was wondering if—and you can totally say no to it if you want—w-would you like to be part of an a-adult calendar? Please don't hurt me! It was all Stan's idea! Kick his ass not mine!"

The couple could only look at him with surprise in their eyes. Marco quickly closed his eyes and braced himself for Korra to go into the Avatar state and kick him into oblivion. Strangely however, not a single fist touched him from either woman. Confused by this, the Hispanic boy opened his eyes to see the girls looking back at him with a bright smile on each of their faces.

"We'd love to!" Korra happily agreed.

"R-really?" Marco stammered out.

"Absolutely!" Asami continued. "Korra and I were just talking about how we could spice up our relationship and this seems like just what we looking for."

"Huh, well that easy." The teen muttered before speaking up. "In that case ladies, let's go take some pictures."

The lovers nodded in agreement before following Marco out of bar, ready to be photographed for all to see.

 **O-O-O**

When Penn entered Dominator's ship, he couldn't help but let out a 'whoa' at the sight of the massive inner walls of her spacecraft. The occasional robot would pass them as they headed off to carry out their objectives. Dominator led her teenage photographer to her bedroom, where she allowed him in first before closing the door behind them.

The moment they entered, the evil empress began to kick off her sneakers and remove her gloves. She then headed toward her bedroom, removing her helmet as she did. Dominator then set her helmet down on a small table before reaching down and pulling down her skirt, exposing her lower half to the ginger. Despite this being his job, Penn looked away from the green skinned girl out of respect for her and his girlfriend.

"Oh grow up, you baby!" Dominator groaned as she pulled off her shirt. "Like you've never seen a girl in her underwear before."

Penn forced himself to look at the alien and nearly went lightheaded from the amount of blood that shot down from his head to his dick when his eyes set upon the warlord's half-naked form. Dominator was dressed in a black bra and a black pair of panties that had red skull-and-crossbones on the front and back of them, as well as her pair of socks. She then climbed onto her bed and sat on her knees. She then unhooked her bra and let it hang from her shoulders; however she crossed her arms over her chest to her breasts, giving the boy a sly, sex-filled grin.

For a moment Penn nearly forgot that he was supposed to take pictures…or that he had a girlfriend for that matter.

Snapping back into reality, Penn aimed the camera and began to take pictures of the half-naked alien, all the while trying not losing his composure—or what little he had of it—while snapping the photos. Photography wasn't the part-time hero's strong suit, but thankfully Dominator perfectly posed herself in several different and very suggestive ways, giving the redhead more than enough material to work with. It did make the teen wonder if she had done this before, but he knew better then to ask that question to her face.

"Aaand I'm spent!" Penn said as he snapped the last picture. "Well that was fun, thanks for being so sexy—I mean helpful! Very helpful!"

"No prob." Dominator replied, strapping her bra back on as she did. "Anything else you need before my good mood wears off?"

"Can I use your bathroom?" Her photographer inquired sheepishly as he looked over to her bathroom.

"Yeah sure." the alien said plainly.

"Thank you!" he nearly shouted as he raced toward the bathroom

Penn slammed the door behind him and locked the door behind him. Dominator could only roll her eyes at him, knowing full well what he was really doing in there.

"You better clean up after you finish!" She warned him through the door "If I find one drop of jizz in there, I swear I'll make you eat it!"

 **O-O-O**

Marco really had no idea as to what to do for the photo-shoot. All he knew was that since Korra and Asami were going to be the girls for February, he wanted to do a Valentine's Day theme, but as for what that was to look like, he was fucking clueless.

After riding alongside them back to Asami's home, he followed the lovers up to their bedroom, all the while still trying to figure out what would be the best shot for the calendar. The couple went into the bathroom to get into their attire for the shoot while Marco patiently waited for the two, completely unsure what exactly they were slipping into.

When Korra and Asami step out of the bathroom, Marco's jaw dropped like a like sack of bricks.

Korra had changed into a red leather corset with black laces. She wore long black arm warmers and red and black striped stocking that strapped around her heart-shaped thong. Asami was dressed down to a red satin bra with a hearts on both sides of the bra. She also wore a red pair of panties that had the words 'I heart u' written on them. She too was wearing stripped stockings like her lover, but she also wore a pair of black high heels. The biggest piece of her costume was that she had a pair of large of fake angel wings that were strapped to her back.

Marco did his best not to stare for too long, but that was easier said than done.

"Well it's easy to see who's on top." The teen mused to himself before asking out loud. "Where did you guys get those outfits?"

"Came out of the closet." Korra simply answered.

"…Uh-huh…" the boy answered slowly, not wanting to make an obvious joke for fear of his life.

"So Marco, any ideas for what you want us to do?" Asami inquired. "Because Korra and I have a pose in mind you might like."

"Sixty-nine?"

"What?"

"Nothing!"

"Let's just show him, babe." Korra offered, to which her lover nodded in agreement.

Korra and Asami then climbed into the bed and laid down on it, propping up the upper half the bodies on their elbows as they did. They then moved their heads forward toward one another until their lips were mere inches away from one another, all the while looking dreamily into their eyes. The hoodie-wearing teen aimed his camera and began to snap several pictures.

"Awesome! Thanks girls!" He said to them. "I think I have enough for—"

Marco's words were cut off when a sharp moan escaped Korra's lips as she and Asami suddenly began to make-out.

"Uh girls? You know I'm still here, right?"

The Avatar gently wrapped her arms around her lover's hips and rolled them over so that she was on top, all the while continuing to make-out with the girl and paid no mind to their photographer still watching. Marco wanted to turn and leave as he saw that things were getting hot and heavy between them and had seemed to have completely forgotten about him.

"Maybe I should go." he squeaked out to the girls as Korra began to move to Asami's lower regions. "I think I should…I…should…stay for little while longer."

With that, Marco pulled up a chair and took a seat to the Avatar and her billionaire girlfriend have the wildest girl-on-girl sex he had ever seen in his life. As he watched, he started to wonder if Star would be willing to do something like this.

Marco grinned widely at the thought, imagining him and his girlfriend in the bed.

 **O-O-O**

Unlike Penn and Marco, Dipper had already thought up a pretty good idea on what to with Frankie's photo-shoot; since Dominator was January's girl and Korra and Asami were going to be the girls for February, it was only logical to make Frankie the girl for March.

As they rode in Frankie's van, he told her about all the ideas he had for her; most of which revolved St. Patrick's Day. Frankie said that she had just the outfit for the shoot and after making a quick stop at her home, they headed off to where Dipper said would be the perfect to take pictures in private.

They drove out into the forest where they then parked next to a large pine tree. Dipper waited outside while Frankie changed her outfit in the back of her van. Five minutes later, she climbed out of the back of van and showed her attire for her photo-shoot. It was a green bra that and green panties with a shamrock on the back of it with the words 'Wanna get lucky?' written on the front of it. To complete the piece, the redhead wore a small green top hat on her head and pair of long green stockings that ran up to her thighs.

"So, how do I look?" She asked with her hands on her hips and a sensual smile her face.

Dipper's answer to that was a small trickle of blood that leaked out his nose and a large bulge in his pants.

"By the Emerald Isles…" He finally breathed out in a poorly spoken Irish accent.

"That good huh?" Frankie giggled. "So where do you want me?"

"Sitting on my face…" Dipper said in almost trance-like state as his stayed focused on her breasts before coming back to the real world. "Uh—I mean over by that rock! Yes! That rock over there that doesn't look my face in any sort of way whatsoever!"

Frankie let out a laugh at the teen's expense; she always got that kind of attention from men both young and old. At this point she didn't mind the attention she got, if anything, it made her feel more comfortable in her own skin, for she had never really saw herself as a 'pretty girl' before, so when Dipper asked her to do all this in the first place, she was flattered to say the least. Dipper himself was rather cute for a kid his age; if he was just a bit older she would've suggested a more 'explicate' shoot.

As instructed, the older woman went over to the rock and waited for Dipper to tell her to tell her what to do next. Dipper thought it over on what to do with her for the picture. After a few seconds of mulling it over in his mind, he had the perfect idea.

"Alright, I want you to bend over and give me a sexy, yet playful smile." He informed her.

Frankie nodded in understanding. She then bent over forward and gave her photographer the sexiest grin Dipper had ever seen a woman make. If he wasn't already in a committed relationship with a girl he absolutely love—and a few years older—he'd have been all over the older redhead like the IRS was with his great-uncle's finances.

He shot a few pictures of the girl before giving her the thumbs up that he was good.

"You can change back, Frankie." Dipper told her. "And uh…just between us…if I was a bit older…"

"I'd fuck your cute brains out." She finished, giving him a wink as she did.

At that point, the teen's whole body turned into a sweaty mass of hormones.

 **O-O-O**

After getting the photos they needed, the three friends reunited at the bar, where they compared the pictures among themselves—ok it was mostly them bragging about their nights with beautiful women.

"Frankie said she'd fuck me when I older" Dipper said.

"That's nothing, Dominator let me jerk-off to her in her bathroom." Penn countered.

"Please, I watched Korra and Asami do it." Marco proudly boasted.

His friends were instantly impressed, he had topped him.

"Respect my friend, much respect." Penn congratulated, first bumping his friend as he did.

"Well this good and all, but we've only got three months down for the calendar." Dipper mentioned. "We still need nine more girls to finish the damn thing, and I doubt we'll find anyone else willing to be in the calendar."

"We could—"Marco attempted to suggest.

"Ah the hell with this!" Penn suddenly proclaimed. "I know how to figure this out!"

Before either of his friends could ask what he meant by that, the part-time hero leapt onto the table.

"Hey! Are there any ladies in here who wanna be in an underwear calendar for the bar?" He asked the bar. "Raise your hands now or forever hold your peace!"

The moment he had said that, a wave of women's hands shot up into the air, surprising the other two teens. The ginger looked down the boy and gave the other two amateur photographers a sly, superior look.

"We're gonna need more film." Macro mentioned.

 **O-O-O**

After getting a sudden influx of volunteers, the boys divided up the months and the girls among themselves to photograph.

Penn took April through June and picked Amethyst, Mirage and the bounty hunter known as June to be his models. Marco chose to do July through September and had Hera, Amy Wong and Ms. Bellum to photograph. Dipper was left with October through December and chose to shoot for Ember, Tak and the model he won to shoot in a game of rock paper scissors against his friends; Molotov Cocktease.

Amethyst was easy enough to shoot for; she merely morphed her cloths into a bra and panties and took the photos out behind the bar; they finished up in less than fifteen minutes tops for the Gem to be become the girl for April. Mirage transported Penn and herself back to her home of Morbia. Once there, the Lord of Chaos disrobed and changed into her underwear and had a photo taken of her sprawled across a sarcophagus. She then returned the teenager to the bar, leaving him with the weirdest boner, but with a great picture for May. Last but not least was June's picture for, well, June—it was the only reason he picked June to shoot. The bounty hunter changed into a gothic Lolita-type outfit before Penn took her picture at a local park.

Marco's photo-shoots went just as well.

For Ms. Bellum, he had her dress down into a red, white and blue bra and thong and shot the Mayor of Townsville's assistant in the backyard of some guy's house they had snuck into. Hera dressed herself in the attire of one of Jabba the Hutt's slave girls for her shoot for August; normally the Hispanic boy would be worried about Kanan's wrath even after the 'incident' he heard about that blinded him, but the Twi'Lek assured him that no harm would come to him by the Jedi's hand. For September, Amy stripped down into pink basque lingerie with matching pink panties and stockings. Marco took her pictures in the cargo hold of the Planet Express ship.

Dipper was happy with his choices, for he knew that where some truly pervy guys and girls who would be turned by a ghost, an alien and an assassin.

As expected, Ember was the girl for October. The two traveled to the Ghost Zone where some of the ghost rocker's friends by the names Kitty, Spectra and Desiree asked to join in on the photo-shoot as well; to which the young photographer happily agreed. While Tak looked like young human girl, in reality, she was in her sixties. In her true form, the alien dressed up as what can only be described as a 'sexy pilgrim' spreading her legs apart across a table ready for a thanksgiving feast; although the GILF as he called her made him want to quit photography. And finally came Molotov's turn that reinvigorated his trust in photo shoots instantly. Dipper had her slip into some Christmas theme lingerie and snapped several photos of the Russian spy up against Christmas tree Soos had decorated for the occasion.

All in all; the three friends had gotten the photos they needed for the calendar…and a few extras for themselves for when their girlfriends weren't available; at least Penn and Dipper did, Marco was far too loyal to Star surprisingly and the boys just took his photos after a quick card game to use the photos as bets.

 **O-O-O**

The next day, the trio turned in the photos they thought would be best for the calendar to Stan and returned to their table. It wasn't too long after that the girls had entered the bar and sat with their lovers. The boys noticed that their girlfriends looked as if they were guilty of something, confusing them. The trio wasn't exactly innocent either, but they knew they'd be dead if they told what had transpired the night before.

"So…how was girl's night out?" Penn slowly asked Sashi cautiously.

"Oh, uh, fine! Totally fine!" She answered with an uncharacteristically nervousness in her voice before quickly looking over to the other girls. "Right girls?"

"Oh yeah, it was a fun night!" Wendy instantly agreed, with a small tinged of guilt in her voice.

"Uh, yeah, full of unicorns and tampons!" Star quickly added on before changing the subject. "What did you guys do last night?"

"Oh uh, nothing special." Her boyfriend quickly lied, much to his shared guilt.

"Yep, nothing special." Dipper tacked on, more so out of fear. "Right Penn?"

"No siree bob, we did absolutely special!" the part time hero commented as he sweated bullets. "Because doing something is our least favorite thing to do, especially if that something made you girls angry."

Dipper kicked the red haired boy under the table to shut him up before he could do any more damage.

"O…Kay" Was all Sashi said.

Just when the boys were in the clear, Dominator walked up to the group of teens and approached Penn, who at this time knew he was going to be flung face first into a category five shit-storm.

"I just wanted to tell you that I had great time last night, Penn." She informed him sensually before walking away.

When she left, Penn looked back at his girlfriend, who had hellfire in her eyes.

"What did SHE mean by that?" She demanded harshly.

But just as the ginger was about to try to explain his actions—or better put, beg for mercy, Vlad approached the group and walked up to Sashi.

"Dearest Sashi, last night was utterly fantastic!" He told her with a smile. "No one had treated my body in the way you had."

Now it was Penn's turn to become furious.

"What did HE mean by that?" He questioned just as harshly as Vlad strode away from the table

"I asked you first, asshole!" Sashi shouted as she slammed her fist on the table.

"Not until I get some answers!" He shouted, shooting up from his seat as he did.

"Well she didn't sleep with some green skinned slut like you apparently did!" Wendy cut in.

"And who's to say she didn't sleep with a green-skinned creep?" Dipper coldly surmised as his eyes narrowed at her "Or any of you did for that matter?"

"Hey we didn't do anything like that!" Star defended.

"And can you back that up?" Marco asked sharply.

The three couples were just about to murder one another when suddenly Soos causally strode up to them like World War three wasn't about to go down at their table. He was carrying two freshly made calendars up to the anger-filled couples, unaware he was walking into a warzone.

"Yo dudes check it out!" He said as he set the calendars down. "The calendars are done."

Soos then turned and left, allowing the teens to look down at them.

It was then that the boys noticed that it wasn't just the one they had helped to make, but one that was labeled 'for the ladies'. Both groups took the different gender focused calendars and saw the series of photos not only shot by Dipper, Penn and Marco, but ones shot by Sashi, Wendy and Star. The photos that the girls had taken were of were male bar patrons who consisted of Toffee, Vlad, Kanan and others dressed in only their boxers or briefs. It was in that moment that all the anger they had rising within them suddenly faded away and was replaced with a strange relief.

"So Stan conned you into this to, huh?" The part-time hero finally asked.

"Yeah…" Sashi answered, clearly ashamed. "He said we owed him and that we we're supposed to be the photographers for the calendar."

"We we're so ashamed to tell you guys." Star continued "We're sorry."

"We're sorry too, sweetie." Marco apologized as he hugged her affectionately. "Right guys?"

"I'm not; I got some pretty good shots." Penn absently admitted before getting a death glare from his lover. "That I do not find sexually attractive at all."

"So, what do we do now?" Wendy questioned.

"Sneak into Stan's office and set fire to all the copies?" Dipper suggested.

"I'll get the blowtorch!" the part-time sidekick cheered.

And so, the group of teens gathered up the boxes of calendars and lit a bonfire in the parking lot, letting their love grow stronger among them as the flames grew higher until the fire department came to put the fire out.

Many teens were arrested for arson that day.

 **O-O-O**

Discalimer: Blah! You know the drill, fuckers!


	8. Chapter 8

Authors note: Merry late, late, late, late, LATE Christmas! This chapter here is a long awaited update to NNC, brought to you by my favorite coauthor who helps me with the story, as in he did all the work for this chapter and I deeply express my gratitude for the guy since he updates his stuff more than me. So other than that, I hope you guys enjoy and holy shit, merry late Christmas everyone.

 **Chapter 7: The Christmas Party**

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty Please?"

"No!"

"Pretty, Pretty Please?"

"For the last time Mabel, No!" Stan shouted furiously. "We are not having a Christmas party and that's final!"

The owner of the bar and his grand-niece had been arguing over the idea she purposed about having a celebration for the holidays at the bar. However, in typical Stan fashion, the old man was being a curmudgeon about the whole thing. Mabel had been pestering him with the idea since November and now with the most wonderful time of the year drawing closer with each passing day, the hyperactive girl had been badgering Stan every chance she got. The former owner of the Mystery Shack was by no means a fan of any holiday season aside from Halloween, calling them all corporate scams that drained the common man—a.k.a, just Stan—of his money. But while the old man always claimed that was the reason, Dipper and Mabel always had a sneaking suspicion that there was more to it than that.

For all intents and purposes, it looked like Mabel the argument or getting the greenlight for the party, however, she still had one card left had left to play.

"Ok Stan, you win." She said causally. "I guess you don't want all that extra money everyone would be willing to spend on eggnog and other holiday-themed stuff."

"Money?" her great-uncle said, his interested clearly perked. "Well why didn't you say that at the start! Let's turn this shithole into the jolliest place on earth!"

"I'm way ahead of you." Mabel informed him "I took the liberty of barrowing your credit cards and ordering a bunch decorations and sending out names for our secret Santa."

"…You were going to do this regardless, weren't you?" Stan grumbled.

"Yep!" Mabel cheerily replied. "Also I maxed out all of your credit cards."

 **O-O-O**

In under two days, Mabel and the bar's staff transformed the interior of the No Name Club into a Christmas wonderland. Claptrap had found a tree worthy of being put in the bar…that he stole from someone's house. Dr. Girlfriend and Soos decorated the club with ribbons, garland and other assortments of holiday cheer. As for Mabel, she went about handing out names for everyone for secret Santa, and while most of the bar's patrons were against spending money on someone they hate, Stan made it very clear that if you don't participate you should look for another bar to hang out at. While most of the people were either ok or tolerant of who they got, some were less than thrilled by who Mabel had picked for them at random.

"I got Toffee?!" Star exclaimed in a mix of shock and rage as she looked at the piece of paper Mabel had given her. "You can't be serious! Please don't be serious!"

"So it was written, let it be done." The sweater-wearing teen said in a fake sage tone of voice.

"But its Toffee!" The princess argued. "You know, the guy who cleaved my wand and is out to kill me and Marco!"

"Come on Star, its Christmas!" Mabel reasoned enthusiastically.

"Yeah Star, getting a villain not as bad as you think." Dipper mentioned as he and the rest of the couples took their seat at the table. "I got Jasper and she liked my gift."

"What could you possible get a homicidal sentient space rock?" Penn inquired.

Dipper directed his friend's attention to the villain's table where the group found the hulking brute tenderly holding a Pink Diamond body pillow in her arms. As Mabel continued to hand out names for the rest of occupants of the club, Wendy offered to buy a few rounds of eggnog shots for the girls at the bar, leaving their respective boyfriends alone for the moment.

"So what did you get Sashi, Penn?" Marco asked.

"Oh, she said she didn't want anything, so I didn't bother getting her a gift." The part-time hero replied

A look of surprise came upon the faces of Dipper and Marco upon hearing that. They looked at one another before bursting into a fit of laughter, confusing the ginger.

"You're kidding, right?" Mason said in between his laughter "Sashi? The girl who can kill you six times before you hit the ground wanted nothing for Christmas?"

"Uh…yes?" Penn answered slowly, now feeling unsure.

"Dude, when a girl says she wants nothing, she wants something." Marco explained. "If you go to her house on Christmas day empty handed, she'll pull your asshole inside out."

An expression of terror formed on the redhead's face. At first he thought he was safe for the holidays, but after receiving this bit of news, he knew he was up shit creek without a paddle. The problem was that his girlfriend was a difficult person to buy gifts for all year around. From Valentine's Day to her birthday, any gift the teen got for his lover was met with either apathy or objects being thrown in his general direction for misreading her signs—seriously, how was he supposed to know that she didn't want a Flash Gordon action figure? She said she wanted a space-themed toy: why wasn't she more specific?

"Oh god I'm so screwed!" He nearly shouted in despair. "Sashi will put her vag on lockdown and put her hands around my neck!"

"Don't worry bro, we got your back." Marco assured him. "Now think: what's something Sashi can't go without?"

Penn pondered on this subject for what seemed like forever. The part-time sidekick didn't need a lot of things—hell the girl could go for two weeks without eating or sleeping and still beat hordes of monsters and villains to death with her bare hands. Suddenly an idea struck his brain like a bolt of lightning. There was in fact something that the violent teen always wanted and needed more than anything else on the entire planet. Now with the proper present for his beloved sociopath in mind, Penn leapt from his seat and made a B-Line for the front door without so much as a goodbye to his friends, he needed the right materials if his gift was to be a success.

"Should we be concerned?" Marco questioned out of concern

"…Nah, I think he knows what he's doing" Dipper answered, though still convinced himself

 **O-O-O**

As all this was going on, the owner of the bar was nowhere to be found. In fact, he was sitting atop the roof of the club with an RPG in his hands as he kept his eyes locked on the skies above. As mentioned earlier, there was another more hidden reason as to why Stan was so against the holiday season. The old con-artist had a score to settle with Santa Claus that had dated back to his days as a toddler. Every year, the fat man overlooked him and his brother for other children in their neighborhood no matter how well-behaved they were. While Ford eventually gave up on his dreams of having a real Christmas, Stan however swore vengeance on the holly jolly jackass and proclaimed that if they ever crossed paths, he would leave ol' saint nick dead in the snow, but hey, shooting the fat boy out of the sky with a rocket launcher would give him just as much joy.

"So, Santa hunting, huh?" A voice asked.

The bar's owner turned around to see Rick standing before him with his flask in his hand. Unlike his twin brother, Stan never got along with the scientist. It wasn't like they were mortal enemies, but they weren't quite exactly on good terms either due to the fact that he had sold Rick some used parts in the past that had failed the intergalactic outlaw when he needed them the most.

"Well good luck finding him *urp* that way, Stan." Rick continued before taking a swig from his flask. "H-he ain't gonna fall for it."

"And just how do you know that?" The con-artist inquired question.

"Because I tried this two years ago and the motherfucker still got in my house without me noticing." Rick explained. "After his big red ass left his presents behind for my family, I found a few strands of hair from his beard that had trace elements of materials that don't exist on this dimensional plan."

"Dimensional plan?' Stan repeated in confusion "I thought he lived in the North Pole?"

"Santa's a fifth-dimensional being" the scientist answered "H-how the fuck else w-would he be able to deliver his shit gifts all around the world in a single night? Not be *urp!* cause of flying reindeers and children's dreams or whatever crap the hallmark channel says. Bottom line Stan: Santa's an omnipotent being who just loves to screw us scientists right in our academic buttholes."

"I'm guessing you've got an axe to grind with him as well." The bar's owner surmised.

"I've been on that cock-bites naughty list since I was three after I called my mom a cunt." Rick said "Ol' Kris Kringle owes me some tungsten rods and I'm gonna get my hands on those rods one way or another."

"Heh-Heh, rods." Stan snickered.

"Way to be mature about this, dipshit." Rick scolded.

"So wait, if you know what he is, then why don't you use your portal gun and go to his dimension?" the con-artist questioned.

"I've tried but *urp* the dimensional frequency of his universe doesn't resonate with my portal gun." Rick explained. "I even worked with a few members of the Council of Ricks to figure this problem out. A lot Ricks died that day Stan, it was total massacre of Rick-tastic propositions."

"I know where he is." Bill's voice suddenly chimed in.

Before either of the men could figure out where the demon was, the triangle-shaped being appeared before them in a brief flash of light. Bill had changed his attire for the holiday season. He had changed his top hat into a Santa hat and his normal black cane had been turned into a candy cane, he also wore a red and green scarf around his 'neck'.

"Sure you do." Stan sarcastically replied. "Let me guess, you want something out of this."

"On the contrary Stan, this one's a freebie." the demon informed him. "I drew your name for that secret Santa crap. So, consider this my gift to you."

"How do you even know where the fat boy lives?" Rick questioned.

"We used to play in a rock band eons ago." the triangle answered "But we kinda had a falling out. I wanted to do more hard rock while he wanted to do fantasy stuff. It was like Styx, but you could tolerate more than three songs."

With a snap of his fingers, Bill summoned a portal from thin air before the two old men. Despite seeing the portal before them, they still didn't trust a single word the demonic triangle had said. Bill was notorious for his tricks, and while he had kept a low key on his villainy since his resurrection, he still was not to be trusted. On the other hand, if there was a way for Stan and Rick to find their shared enemy, they would take it—even if they had to get assistance from the likes of Bill Cipher to do so.

"Step right through here and it'll take you right to Santa's home dimension." Bill said "I'll bring you guys back in a couple hours."

"Your call St*urp!*an." Rick said "Do we chance it or not?"

Stan paused for a few moments to weigh his options before finally giving his answer.

"Let's nail that fat sack of crap once and for all!" He proclaimed.

"I like your enthusiasm Stan. Let's make this the most Ricktastic Christams in our mother fuckin' lives!" Rick shouted.

With that, the two Santa hunters stepped through the portal before it closed behind them.

 **O-O-O**

Meanwhile at the bar, Penn's rush out of the club did not go unnoticed by the girls, who had just finished their third eggnog shot.

"Well it's about time he figured it out." Wendy commented. "I swear, your boyfriend can be dumb as a sack of bricks sometimes."

"Maybe I should've at least a few subtle hints." Sashi mused. "Penn may be a genius when it comes to heroics, but he's a total moron when it comes giving gifts."

"Speaking of gifts, what did you get him?" the lumberjack girl asked.

"A new punching bag." the side-kick answered. "I kinda broke his old one when we first met."

"Aw! That sounds so cute." Star gushed. "What did Dipper get for you, Wendy?"

"A new riding crop." Her friend replied.

"Wait, you don't have a horse, so what would you want a— "Sashi tried to understand before her mind pieced it together "Oh you two are sick! That's my department!"

"Hey, don't knock it till you try it." The ginger causally responded with a grin.

"I'm scared to ask, but what did you get him?" The violent teen questioned further.

"A rhinestone ball-gag and some assless chaps." The redhead replied without shame, making her friends reel in disgust.

"Oh my Mewni, what is wrong with you two?!" the princes scolded as she gagged.

"This coming from the girl who fucks her boyfriend almost every day in the restroom." Wendy defended sharply.

"Touché." Star deadpanned.

"Since we're on the subject, what did you get Marco?" The redhead asked.

"I got him some new folders for school and some martial arts movies" the blonde explained "He gets a major hard-on for organization and Kung-Fu films. Still cute though."

"And what did he get you?" Sashi furthered.

"A new wand charger." Star commented. "I lost my second one, so Marco searched all over Quest-Buy to find me a new one. He even beat an orc to death to get it."

"Lok'tar Ogar." Wendy cheered casually before finishing her eggnog. "Goddamn, he really loves you."

"So with our boyfriends taken care of, that just leaves our secret Santas" The part-time sidekick commented before Dr. Girlfriend came by with another round of holiday-day shots for the trio. "Well, for Star that is"

"You guys already got gifts for your secret Santa's?" Star asked.

"Oh yeah, we wrapped that shit up the moment we drew names." Wendy mentioned.

"Who did you get?" Star wondered.

"Asami for me." The lumberjack said simply before downing her shot "I got her an iPhone. For all her world's technology, she's still doesn't have Angry Birds."

 **O-O-O**

Meanwhile, in Republic City…

"Honey, it's one in the morning, go to sleep." Korra groaned.

"These stupid fucking pigs are mocking me!" Her girlfriend snarled in anger as she continued to play the game.

"…I'm gonna sleep on the sofa." The Avatar said before dragging herself out of the bed, taking her pillow and sheets with her as she did.

 **O-O-O**

"Wander just wanted a hug and a selfie with him." Sashi said, mentioning her secret Santa pick "I let him have the selfie."

"This sucks!" Star growled "How am I supposed to get a gift for Toffee? Not only is he my arch-nemesis, but the dude is so non-materialistic! He's impossible to even get a gift for him to begin with!"

Just then, Dominator took a seat next to Star and the rest of the girls. The former intergalactic tyrant said nothing to them—she didn't even acknowledge them. The green-skinned woman only ordered a beer and sat there in angry silence. Ever since her defeat at the hands of Wander, the once feared Lord Dominator kept herself distant from everyone else in the bar, especially the other villains. When word got out of her failure, Vlad, Jasper and Bill couldn't get enough of mocking her to the point where she avoided her villainous acquaintances altogether. However, despite the slew of heroes and villains harassing the alien, the only one who didn't even so much as make a joke at her expense was Toffee.

Ever since the two villains had spent the night together, they had been…awkward around one another. While the details of that night remained a mystery to everyone else besides the two of them, it was known that after that night two evildoers kept their distance from one another. For Star, it was clear that there was some romantic tension between the two, but since villains didn't normally have the best track record for romance, they stayed away from their true feelings toward one another. But perhaps there was a way to bring the two together at last.

"I know what to get Toffee!" Star proclaimed. "Dominator's Love!"

"I'm literally sitting right next to you." Dominator's voice commented dryly.

Star cringed as she slowly turned to face the green-skinned villain, who was currently glowering at the girl, rapping her fingers on the bar table as she did.

"Oh…right." the Mewman said, embarrassed.

"Wow! Look at the time!" The lumberjack said abruptly, looking at her watchless wrist. "Come on Sashi, let's get out of this awkward situation and do girl stuff, cause we do that. As usual."

Before Star knew it, her two friends quickly grabbed their shot glasses and hurried back to their table, leaving the princess of Mewni alone with the former tyrant.

"Uh, hey Dominator." she greeted sheepishly. "How y'a been?"

"Save it, blondie." Dominator warned. "And about your whole 'hooking me and Toffee up' plan, you can stick that idea right up your ass. There is no way that Toffee is going go for a screw-up like me. I mean I lost to the power of friendship for Grop sake! That only happens when you fight magical ponies!"

"Well to be fair, it doesn't seem like he cares that you lost." Star reasoned. "Then again, Toffee's a tough lizard to read."

"Thanks, that makes me feel better." The former warlord thanked sarcastically. "Face it kid, there's no way he's gonna go for a washed-up nobody like me."

Just by hearing her talk, the princess began to see that her suspicions about Dominator were true.

"Oh my gosh…" Star gasped in realization. "You ARE in love with him!"

"W-what?" Dominator choked out in surprise "I don't like him like that…I mean I do, but I don't—gah! I mean…damn it!"

"Don't worry, Dom, you're in the presence of a matchmaker." Star cheerily informed her.

"If you call me Dom again, I swear I'll take that wand and shove it up your ass."

 **O-O-O**

"He's not going to fall for this…" Dominator pointed out.

"Sure he will!" Star said enthusiastically "It's the holidays, he likes you, you like him—it's a done deal!"

Despite her better judgment, Dominator went along with Star's plan to get her with Toffee. Granted, she was still skeptical about the whole thing, but after the young princess pestered her long enough, she eventually gave in. The once great tyrant still had little hope in having Toffee forming a relationship, even before her defeat he made it very clear that their love was not meant to be. But after the night they had spent together, Dominator couldn't help but admit to herself that she did have feelings toward the humanoid reptile. The problem was that Toffee was a hard person to read, so the former intergalactic menace was unsure if he only trying to say that to keep each other from getting distracted by their goals or if he simply didn't want be annoyed by her constant presence.

Star had come up with a simple enough plan. Dominator was to stand outside in the parking lot under a mistletoe and wait for Toffee to step out of the bar and confess her feelings to the fellow villain. The green-skinned woman made it very clear to Star that was a completely idiotic plan and was bound to fail, but the hyperactive girl ignored the lack of logic and went about getting her plan in motion.

After nearly a half-hour of standing out in the cold like a moron, the object of the tyrant's affection stepped out of the bar after a long night of cleaning the wallets of his fellow villains. When Toffee found Dominator standing under a lamppost alone, he was slightly taken aback by the sight before returning to his regular cold, indifferent expression. The former warlord instantly wanted to turn and leave this whole stupid plan behind, but she found herself unable to move.

"I take it Star got my name for secret Santa then?" the man-lizard surmised, surprising the alien

"Yeah she did, but how did you-

"You'd never stand out here alone unless it was someone else's stupid plan" Toffee said "and since its evident that this isn't an ambush, I can only guess that Star wanted to put us together as a way of giving me my gift for the holiday season"

"You'll thank me later!" the princess called out from her hiding spot

"Just as well, I've been meaning to talk to you" the reptile furthered

"About how I screwed up big time?" Dominator asked sharper then she wanted to

"No" he answered simply "I've been thinking a lot lately. About you…about me"

Dominator could almost feel her three hearts stop beating. This could either be the happiest moment of her life or the moment he broke her with just his words alone. Toffee remained silent for a few moments before doing something neither Dominator nor Star expected him to do: he sang.

 _There's such a sad love_

 _Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel_

 _Opened and closed within your eyes_

 _I'll place the sky within your eyes_

"Toffee's a Bowie fan, who knew" Star thought to herself.

Meanwhile, Dominator was in a total state of shock, amazement and disbelief. She should be confused as to why Toffee just started singing out of nowhere like a character from an animated film, but the man-lizard's voice was like velvet and silk against her ears that made her mind drift into a state of euphoria.

 _There's such a fooled heart_

 _Beating so fast in search of new dreams_

 _A love that will last within your heart_

 _I'll place the moon within your heart_

Toffee then began to slowly approach the former intergalactic menace. Once he was close enough, he took one hand and put it over her own and wrapped his free arm gently around her waist. Before Dominator could understand what was going on, the two began to slowly waltz in the parking lot as if it was a ballroom, all the while Toffee continued to sing to her.

 _As the pain sweeps through_

 _Makes no sense for you_

 _Every thrill has gone_

 _Wasn't too much fun at all_

 _But I'll be there for you_

 _As the world falls down_

Despite the fact they were villains, Star's heart couldn't help but melt at the sight before her. Marco could be just as romantic when the situation, but it was obvious that Toffee could match her boyfriend in terms of romance. She watched as Dominator closed her eyes and leaned into his chest, sighing blissfully as she did. Wanting to sing along to the atmosphere, Star decided to provide back-up vocals.

 _Falling_

 _(As the world) Falling down_

 _Falling in love_

Toffee shout his enemy a quick glower as a way of telling her to shut up, to which she obeyed and let the villains enjoy themselves as Toffee once again sang alone.

 _I'll paint you mornings of gold_

 _I'll spin you Valentine evenings_

 _Though we're strangers till now_

 _We're choosing the path between the stars_

 _I'll leave my love between the stars_

…

 _As the pain sweeps through_

 _Makes no sense for you_

 _Every thrill has gone_

 _Wasn't too much fun at all_

 _But I'll be there for you_

 _As the world falls down_

"Toffee…" Dominator softly began "I-"

"Love you too." He finished for her.

With that, they embraced one another before kissing as deeply as they did when they spent the night together. No word needed to be spoken between them, not a single needed to be. They knew that the only needed one another and that was it. Star peaked out from her hiding spot once again to see the kiss. As they soon parted, the man-lizard gave the give a small nod to her, silently telling her that he did enjoy his gift.

 **O-O-O**

Sashi left the bar early that night, she was feeling tipsy from the eggnog shots and did want to be around Mason and Wendy when they got really freaky. It wasn't just because of that, but also because she was growing ever more curious about Penn had planned to get her for Christmas. One of the things that prompted her to leave was that she had received a text from Penn telling her to meet him at his house as soon as possible.

After sneaking into her boyfriend's home, the part-time sidekick made her way into Penn's room where she found a sight that nearly threw her into a state of shock. There standing before her in a candle-lit bedroom was Penn Zero, wearing nothing but a Santa hat and a wrapped up box with wrappings on his special friend.

"Your night is gonna get a whole lot merrier, babe." He declared proudly with a bright grin.

"Uh…did you-" Sashi attempted to ask before being cut off.

"Paint my shlong to look like a candy cane?" Penn proudly finished for her. "Yes, yes I did."

And then they did it… Like a lot.

 **O-O-O**

In sweet little Christmas tow, Santa was busy looking over his naughty and nice list for the night just to be sure that the right children would get what they deserve. Admittedly, he had made some mistakes in his old age, but nothing to drastic or anything that he couldn't come back from—unless you countered the time he accidentally gave a young arsonist a box of matches for Christmas, but his attorney's assured him that the orphanage couldn't make a case against him since they could say that the little firebug could've gotten those matches from anywhere.

Just then, the doorbell rang. Thinking that it was Lisa the Elf coming over to have her 'evaluation' for the night, ol' Saint Nick quickly put away his list, put on some 'ode to frosty' body spray and hustled over to the front door as fast as his jolly fat ass could carry him. However, instead of seeing a busty, blonde and barely legal elf at his doorstep, he found a pair of rather irate looking old men glowering at him.

It didn't take long for Santa to remember these men's faces.

"Ho, ho, ho Motherfucker!" Rick declared before taking out a baseball bat and going Negan on the fat boy's skull.

 **O-O-O**

After pummeling Kris Kringle into a bloody, broken heap, Stan and Rick returned to the bar in their home dimension. The moment the bar's owner stepped out of the portal, he immediately felt the irregular heat that shouldn't be the normal for winter. He also noted that it was day time now instead of night when they had left. Stan merely shrugged it off and chalked the time change and heat to a long night of ass kicking and global warming before he and Rick entered the bar.

Once the two elderly men stepped into Stan's semi-legitimate establishment, they found only Dipper and his friends and his staff occupying the club, which was usual at this time of day. What was not normal, however, was their collective reaction of gasps and shocked looks from them all. Confused by this, Stan couldn't help but ask why they were so stunned to see them.

"The hell's wrong with all of you?" He demanded. "So Rick and I were gone for a whole night—big deal!"

"Grunkle Stan, you weren't gone for a night… You guys have been gone for nearly four months!" his grand-nephew exclaimed, still stunned to see his Grunkle intact.

"Four months?!" Stan exclaimed in shock before spinning around to face Rick. "You better have a good explanation Sanchez!"

"Oh yeah, I totally forgot." Rick began. "Time in Santa's dimension moves slower than here. H-how do you think he *Urp!* gets all those elves to make all those toys in time for that scam of a holiday? Through time manipulation and slave labor, that's how!"

"What we're you guys doing in Santa's dimension anyway?" Penn inquired

"Kicking jolly saint prick's ass all night long, that's what we were doing, carrot top!" Stan answered.

"We also ran a train on Ms. Claus and switched out all the toys with lead-laced ones" The scientist added on "That'll teach fat boy to fuck with us."

"Well, despite being slightly disgusted by that sentence, I'm just glad you guys are back." Dipper mentioned "We were worried after we couldn't find either of you after the Christmas party. We spent weeks searching for you."

"Really?" Stan said, sounding proud that his grand-nephew cared that much for him.

"Well actually we looked for you for only two days, then we gave up and came back here to snort crack off of Star's ass." Dipper confessed shortly, making Stan grimace in the process.

"I'm the crystal queen!" Star cheered.

"We also broke into your office and shot some pornos in there." Wendy added on "Like, a lot of pornos."

"Word of advice: you might wanna sterilize the whole room." Penn offered. "Or better yet, just burn it."

"Oh by the way, there's a ton of unpaid bills that you should take look at."Marco pointed out "I think one of them said 'foreclosure' on it."

"Also, Dr. Girlfriend's been running the bar since you've left and she put a vegan diet on the menu." Sashi furthered.

Stan stood there, totally dumbfound by everything he had just heard. As everything finally sank in, he clenched his fist in rage before proclaiming…

"No More Christmas Parties!"

 **O-O-O**

P.S.- OH MY GOD! I am sooooo sorry for the delay. I just want to thank my coauthor again since he busted his ass to make the whole chapter.

Disclaimer: You know the drill, blah blah lawsuits.


	9. Chapter 9

Authors note: Wow! I haven't uploaded anything in months, sorry I haven't been doing much but life has been getting in the way lately with jobs and family and all that. This chapter is made by my coauthor of NNC so hopefully you guys enjoy the little short chapter made.

 **Interlewd: Missed Messages**

 **O-O-O**

Penn let out a bored sign as he sat at his group's regular table at the bar. He was alone and had no idea where his friends were, nor did he know where his girlfriend was for that matter. He pulled out his phone and checked his phone to see if anyone had called, which to his surprised, people did call him—like a lot. He wondered as to why he didn't hear the phone ringing earlier, but then the part time hero remembered that he was in the back of the bar getting high as giraffe pussy on some good shit he bought off of Vlad, who had been forced to Walter White his life after he started to get behind on his payments for his trailer.

"Well, might as well listen to them" he mused to himself before playing his messages

 **You have eight new messages**

 **Message One**

"Hey man its Dipper. Listen, I don't think I'm going to make to the bar tonight. I just got pulled over for doing a ninety-five in a forty-five—and before you ask, yes, I'm high as a fucking kite right now. But that's not the worst of it, I've got a big bag of meth in the glovebox, a crack pipe under the seat and unregistered gun on the dashboard. But I ain't go'in like no bitch though, if these pigs wanna fight, I got my NWA CD all ready to go for a throw down!"

"Sir, can I see your license and registration?"

"Fuck the police!"

"He's got a gun!"

*Blam Blam Blam*

 **Message Deleted**

 **Message Two.**

"Hey Penn, it's Star. I don't think Marco and I are gonna be at the bar tonight. I just found out I'm pregnant, but I don't know who the farther is. I mean I fuck Marco all the time, but I did get really wasted at the New Year's Eve party and bang Tom while Marco was passed out. They keep trying to kill each other over this, so I decided that we're going to settle this with the help of a credible source.

"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"

"Oops, that's my que—gotta go!"

 **Message Deleted**

 **Message Three**

"Hey Penn, its Marco. I don't know if Star already told you or not, but she's pregnant and we're trying to figure out who the father is. So, we can't make to the bar tonight. Tell everyone that we're sorry we can't be there for karaoke night."

"Please, you sing as good as you pleasure your girlfriend, Diaz!"

"I'mma rip your goddam throat out, you three-eyed cock-sucker!"

 **Message Deleted**

 **Message Four**

"Penn, its Wendy. Listen, I can't make it to the bar tonight. Dipper and I we're doing some magic coke we got from Mewni at my house and he flipped the fuck out, stole my car and took off to who knows where. Mabel and I are gonna go look for him, so it might take us all night to find him, so I don't think we'll be able to make it tonight. But if he does show up there, give me a call and don't try to approach him, he thinks he's a gangster and he's got my dad's gun"

 **Message Deleted**

 **Message Five**

"Hello Penn, this is Toffee. If you're wondering why I'm calling you, it's because I may have accidently sent several dick pics to your phone instead of Dominator's. You and she have almost identical numbers. If you wish to delete them you may, I honestly don't care. You could even forward them to everyone in the bar. I just want to give you and everyone else the option not to feel small."

 **Message Saved**

 **Message Six**

"Hey twerp, it's Dominator. Listen, Toffee may or may not have sent some pictures of his dong to you by accident. So, if you could just email those pictures to me then I won't have to strangle you with your own intestines— 'kay bye!"

 **Message Deleted**

 **Message Seven**

"Penn! It's Claptrap, I need you to listen to me. I've been kidnapped by these guys who say Mr. Pines owes them a lot of money. I need you to tell Mr. Pines that they need to pay them the fifty grand he owes them tonight or they're gonna cut my arms off and shove them up my exhaust port!"

 **Message Deleted**

 **Message Eight**

"Penn, its Sashi…I'm fucking your mom."

 **Message Deleted**

 **You have no new messages**

"Well, it looks like I'm going be flying solo tonight" Penn surmised "Wait, what was that last one?"

 **O-O-O**

Disclaimer: Blah blah, lawsuit bad. Don't own these guys, plz no suing.


End file.
